My Dearest, Kindest, and Most Wonderful Radegunde,
I wish it were easier to admit to you the sensations that are bestowed upon me during our time together. You may often wonder why I seem to become hysteric, or frantic, or flustered while in your presence, and, frankly, it has often been a very complicated matter for me to comprehend. Here I thought that I was happily married to a man who gives me everything I want. He supports me, coddles me, and allows me to live the way I wish to live: living within God’s bosom and helping those with absolutely nothing. However, I feel like troubles have been churning in my mind, and, if I may be inappropriate, in the very flesh that rests on my sinful body. I do not wish to have to explain my reasoning behind this, yet I feel as if I must, lest I convey the incorrect message to you.
Every day I yearn for you to be in my presence again, to teach me the ways of dedication to the Lord and to His followers. You inspire me with your dignified words, your ennobled heart, and your pure touch, all sending sharp strikes of lightning through the very core of my body that has a tainted soul standing among those not worthy to be in this world. Throughout my days of being with you, I have come to realize that I covet you in ways that would be considered unholy by even the deepest of sinners.
I lust for your knowledge to infiltrate my person, in ways considered forbidden between two women of high stature. I crave to hear your words that allow me to be transported into a paradise that only God Himself could recreate. I envy your actions of caring for those that possess nothing and can not contribute to anything. I desire your bravery as it allows you to shun Clotaire. Even in times of immense judgement from him and others, you still fight against it to live how you wish, despite the consequential sniggering or snide remarks that are said behind your back.
I question myself, each and every day, on how often I must busy myself to make sure that I do not burden my own mind with the cumbersome thoughts of you that have permeated my brain more often than not. During the day, if I am not hurried from meeting to meeting, my mind wanders to when I may see you again. I often dream of you, or simply lay awake in my bed chambre. If I find myself too consumed during the darkest hours of the night, I often slink out of bed just to sneak into the church to pray that I may be guided from my thoughts. I pray to God to guide me in everyday life, and in seeking my true self as I pine for thee in ways that would be considered incorrect or frowned upon.
Just a fortnight ago, I found myself in my greatest crisis yet. I was staring longingly at a blooming daylily plucked from my garden in my private courtyard, as I wished for it to effloresce for eternity. Then I realized something. I wished to relinquish my selfish desire of claiming the flower as my own and instead, deliver it to your clasping fingers, almost as if I would place my beating heart and life into your hands. My flower would be yours to own, my sweet Radegunde.
However, there is that constant chastising in the back of my mind saying that it would be wrong to leave Henry, as he has treated me so well.
Evolving feelings will forever be the bane of existence, do you not agree?
I still, however, wish to see you as promptly as possible. The urgency of your needed presence outweighs all other feelings in my life. I not only need your enrichment, but I need your embrace like a honey bee needs flowers for pollination and satiation. I request the most hasty reply possible, as the moment I seal this letter, I will await your handwritten return with bated breath.
And please be aware that no one must know of our affairs outside of friendship, for reasons that you could probably already deduce. But besides that, dear Radegunde, I hope I do not disturb our relationship’s boundaries too greatly. I just felt like I could not suppress these feelings any longer. Although I may be selfish to speak these words without permission, please know that I only wish to confess what I have already confessed to the Lord.
But for now, I bid you adieu and request that you pen your response as soon as possible.
May the Lord Be With You,
Queen Mathilda of Germany
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