Our final issue (sniff, sniff) ...

This semester's final issue, coming soon:

@Queens: Lordly Ladies Do Social Media

What if Theutberga and Waldrada could duke it out on Twitter? What if Mathilda and Henry hooked up on OKCupid? Who would Elizabeth I friend on Facebook? These and other questions answered in two weeks time ...

Lanval: The Later Years

A Short Dramatic Sequel to Marie de France’s Lanval

Dramatis Personae:

The Fairy Queen: A magical lady of remarkable wealth, beauty and influence. Possessed with other worldly powers—a true boss-ass bitch. Lives in the wilds of Avalon.

The Good Knight Lanval: A noble fellow who has for many moons been the The Fairy Queen’s lover and companion. He has long since forgotten the ways of courtly life and lives in sumptuous excess in Avalon.

The Moon: A narrator and helpful guide.

Various Fairy Companions and Servants

Scene One:

(A clearing in the forest of Avalon. The Moon enters- it is night)

The Moon: Welcome friends! Come and gather close,

And I’ll sing you a story in poetry- not prose.

     I am the silver ring-ed moon on high,

Who watches Fairy dances through my silvery eye.

     Not so long ago, a Fairy Queen took a Knight for a lover.

He was Lanval, the kindliest knight you’d ever discover.

     While they have been together I’ve much waxed and waned …

But for how much longer can their love be sustained?

(Enter the Fairy Queen and her retinue. Lanval follows at a distance, drinking a bottle of fairy wine.)

The Fairy Queen: Oh, Lanval, my ridiculous pet,

Why do I find you so drunkenly set?

Lanval (Slurring his words): Good Queen! I’m only drunk on the splendour of your endless beauty,

to relish your looks is my only duty!

Queen: (Sighs) Simple human, your praise grates my brain.

Have you really nothing else to say?

Have you no songs or jokes, you foolish Thane?

You cannot tell stories or dance ballet!

Lanval: (Hurt) Does my lady grow tired of my affections?

Queen: No, just increasingly aware of your imperfections.

Come! My fairies, lets have a song.

Something that is charming and not too long.  

(Fairies sing and dance. After the number is over, Lanval is found curled asleep.)

Queen: (Seeing Lanval) Ugh, take this foolish knight, and put him to bed.

He and I have had our fun, but to bring him with us to Avalon was misled.

In the morrow, I’ll set him free.

A human man has no place with a Queen like me!

Scene Two:

(The next morning. The Fairy Queen and her entourage enter. Lanval stumbles in. He looks hungover and wears a crown of flowers. He spots the queen and says:)

Lanval: Your Highness! I come on bended knee.

What is it that you have to say to me?

The Fairy Queen: Gentle human, you are kind and loyal.

But I am the highest of Queens- more than any other I am truly royal.

The time has come for us to part ways,

I need much more than a man who wears bouquets!

Lanval: (Rips off flower crown) Do you not love me anymore?!?

Queen: What makes you think that I did before?!

Do not think that I shall leave you without resources,

You shall have land, gold, jewels and many fine horses.

Try and enjoy your life among men,

Because love between us could never have been.

Suddenly, from offstage, a shrill trumpet blasts. The Fairy Queen rises out of her throne, much alarmed.

Queen: The alarm! For whom does this shrill warning ring?

(Enter a Fairy Messenger)

Messenger: My Queen! The Goblin army is here- along with their king!

They seek to destroy our peaceful bower,

Raise up your troops- show us your power!

Queen: So be it! Bring me my armour, forged from fine gold-

We shall beat these goblins before it’s all told!

Fairy servants come and dress the Queen in fine battle gear; helmet, shield and full armour. She is joined by several troops and charges off stage with a vicious battle cry.

Lanval: Oh sweet Queen, please wait for me!

I’ll protect you in battle, just wait and see.

My fiercest fighting shall re-win your love,

These goblins might just be a gift from above!

He charges out after her.

Scene Three:

(Early that evening. Golden sunlight pours across the set. The battle is over, the Fairies have won. The Queen and her entourage look tired but relieved.)

Fairy Soldier: My good Queen, that was a wonderful fight.

I’ll daresay those Goblins will hide in their holes another fortnight!

The Fairy Queen: Indeed. But has anyone seen the foolish Knight?

I saw him charge to the field, but he looked much affright.

It would pain me if harm came to his empty head-

Goblins are too fierce a foe for a man of his stead.  

(Lanval is brought onstage by several attendants and is badly hurt.)

Queen: Oh you ignorant fellow!

Look at you, beat black, blue and yellow.

(Removes a small vial from her cloak)

Come, take this potion, it will certainly heal

all your cuts and bruises, and help how you feel.

(He swallows it.)

Queen: Now back to Brittany, I’ll bide no delay.

This world is too dangerous for you to stay.

Enjoy your wealth, land and titles!

Remember our magic when you’re suffering trials.

Lanval doesn’t speak, but bows very deeply to The Fairy Queen. He understands that her word is law. He exits. During this scene, the moon has slowly risen.

The Moon: Thus ends our tale, it was fast and so brief.

Lanval returns to the world of men- what a relief!

There shall he live out his days-

Thinking always of his long lost Queen and her powerful ways.

The End!

Queen Semiramis or B**** Semiramis?

The following is a conversation between Semiramis and one of the men in court. The issue at hand is that one of the men, Kenus, who is in her court wishes to be given a higher role in court. Semiramis invites him to her private chamber to have this conversation with him.

Setting: Queen Semiramis’s chamber. She is currently standing by her window, that overlooks the court and she is looking outside . Kenus, has just entered the chamber, and he is facing the back of the queen and she does not turn towards him, but senses his presence in the room.

Semiramis: I understand you want a higher position in the court? Is that true? Answer me !

(Queen Semiramis turns around.) She is dressed in a long maroon dress with a dark maroon robe. It has a gold border, and she is wearing a crown and lots of jewlery.

Kenus: Yes, your highness, I wish to be promoted and appointed as your chief of staff.

Kenus is dressed in white pants and a green coat, with a brown belt.  

Semiramis: Do you believe you have the qualifications to be my chief of staff?

Kenus: Yes, I believe I do. I have been working in court for a long time now, and I have been around you for over 10 years now. I believe that I am currently overqualified for my current role as just one of the many men in your court, who help  maintain order and peace within the kingdom.

Semiramis: Do you not believe you are sounding too confident? I believe you should watch your tone Kenus. Remember you are addressing me, your Queen!  Why should I choose you over anyone else? What is it that you are willing to do to secure this position?

Kenus: I am willing to do anything. I currently work twenty hours a day, and wait upon your orders when I am not working and when the court is not in session. I know all your likes and dislikes, and I know your daily schedule as well. All of this I believe puts me at an advantage to be your chief of staff instead of any other man in your court.

Semiramis: Really? What about my son? I believe he would be a good candidate as well. Don’t you?

Kenus: Well your son is a great candidate, but then who would reign after you? You, my highness, need to consider all aspects of the court before making such a rash decision. Just remember I am willing to do anything. Anything that will help me secure this position.

Semiramis: Anything ? Anything you say? You will do anything?

Kenus: Yes, anything! Whatever it takes. I am willing to put in more working hours, more effort and more dedication, if that will help me get promoted.

Semiramis: Hmm. Wait a minute--forget the job for a few minutes. You know, there are other ways to secure this job.

Semiramis looks at him seductively, and removes her first necklace and drops it on her dresser table, and continues to remove her jewelry.

Kenus: Your highness, I am not sure I know what you mean.

Kenus takes a step back, away from the dresser table.

Semiramis: Oh my! You claim to be a smart intelligent man, aiming to get a position that you believe you are worthy of and yet you cannot figure out something as simple as this? I do not think this qualifies you in anyway then!

Kenus: Your highness, please wait a moment. Help me understand what you truly mean ...

Semiramis: Well, how about you prove how smart you are in a non-court-related way? In a more personal context? I mean, you are already in my chamber, and my jewelry is almost off as well ...

Semiramis slowly removes the last of her jewelry and looks at Kenus with a sinful eye.

Kenus: Your highness, please! I do not think this is appropriate.

Semiramis: Kenus! Do not forget your are currently working in my court and my commands are what you follow! If I want you to be in my bed with me, then that is what you shall do. It is now an order. If you want the promotion, then you will need to fulfill my my demands--and by 'demands', I am sure you understand what I want..

Kenus:  But your highness, I do not believe it is just for you to ask me to fulfill your desires, just for me to obtain something I am qualified for and have been working towards since the beginning of time.

Semiramis:  Well, you have two options: you either sleep with me and fulfill my needs and then get the job you have always wanted, or you do not sleep with me and do not fulfill my needs and then you can prepare to live the life of a peasant as you will no longer be working under my rule.

Kenus:  But….why me?

Semiramis keeps walking forward, and Kenus keeps walking backwards.

Semiramis: Well, I choose you in particular because you have particular demands that you wish to have fulfilled, and not everything can be given based on merit. I mean, we all have needs. You believe you are qualified to get the position, and I need to see how worthy you are of it. You have until sunset to decide; if I do not see you here then, I will understand your decision, and you shall be banished.

Kenus: But …  I do not believe that this is a fair decision!

Kenus falls to his knees, and has given up.

Semiramis: You do not make these decisions, Kenus! Remember who is in power here. You may leave now.

Semiramis turns around and continues to look out the window at the oncoming sunset.

Bad Ass Bitches

Or watch this video on YouTube!

http://youtu.be/rBDPrXVNFjI

City of Boss-Bitches

      One evening as I sat in my bed struggling through my physics homework, I decided that I deserved a break, and my natural place of leisure was tumblr. As I scrolled down the page I came across a gif of a Fox News reporter professing that young women should not be encouraged to vote, because they “don’t get it.” Below the gif there were reasons conservative media reports had produced to prove that young women shouldn’t perform their civic duty. They all basically came down to the same argument - young women do not have enough life experience to be making such significant decisions, and that people whose favorite show is ”Say Yes to the Dress” can’t sufficiently contribute to society. These ideas were so insulting to me I closed the tab immediately. How could these individuals believe this about my peers?

As I pondered these ideas I began to think of all the young women I knew who were definitely intelligent and well-informed enough to be making such an important decision. This led me to think of all the arguments against women that many other well-educated individuals have argued recently. If so many knowledgeable people drew these conclusions about the female gender, than can so many be wrong? I mean there is an entire political party partially devoted to making sure feminism and equal rights are completely discredited. I became so overwhelmed with all these ideas that I began to get really angry that I had a two x chromosomes and began to feel sorry for myself.

      

       As I lay in my bed pouting about my unfortunate existence a wicked bright light appeared, and then these three ladies materialized dressed in semi-matching outfits, like some 90s girl band.

The “Beyoncé” of the group addressed me first saying, “Don’t be afraid, for we have not come to do you any harm, we are here to comfort you. Our aim is to help you get rid of those misconceptions which have clouded your mind and made you reject what you know to be truth, just because so many other people have come out with the opposite opinion.”

I sat there in complete astonishment, and all I could manage to say was, “Um…okay, that sounds good I guess.”

The leader of the three then responded with, “Excellent. We have been sent to you by God, as we were sent to Christine de Pizan, so that you may construct a new city for women. We will assist you in this process. I, Reason, will help lay the groundwork, my sister, Rectitude, will help construct homes and buildings, and finally Justice will help finish the city skyline.”

This explanation didn’t comfort me and my only response was, “You were sent by God? To me? Professed atheist, Amanda Porter?”

To which Reason responded, “Yes, of course.”

“Well then I guess I owe someone 20$,” I said under my breath. “So, hypothetically speaking, let’s say you were sent from “God” and the brownie I had at M&Cs wasn’t laced with anything, how do you three expect me to construct an entire city? I have class at 8:35 tomorrow.”

“We will supply the tools and provide plenty of aid,” replied Rectitude.

“Well then, if this some type of weird drug induced psychosis I might as well lean into it, right?” and so began the construction of the City of Boss- Bitches (I got to name it).

Part I

As Reason and I began clearing the land with some machinery I probably should have a permit for, I decided to ask her the questions that had been really disturbing me.

       

      “So what do you think of the Fox anchor’s argument? I mean she isn’t wrong, there are a lot of young women who are only concerned with reality TV and have no life experience, they really shouldn’t be deciding who will run our country.”

      

        To which Reason responded, “How could you say such a thing? Look at yourself, you are well educated and you understand the significance of being able to participate in government. Not to mention the 2600 other young women you live with, who are probably more informed than the majority of people who do participate in voting. Do not let the opinions of these individuals detour you from participating in a right, which other women had to fight hard to earn. You are a citizen, and you and any other young woman have the right to participate in choosing you government officials.”

       

       “That is true. I do understand the struggle they went through and I appreciate that fight,” I answered her. “But it’s extremely discouraging when even today women are trashed for calling themselves a “feminist.”  I obviously believe that women are equal to men. But calling oneself a feminist is almost a bad word, it’s offensive for some reason, so I avoid doing it.”

       

       Reason retorted with, “The definition of a feminist is someone who believes in the social, political and economic equality of the sexes. So by definition you are a feminist, whether you want to be called one or not. There are many intelligent and successful women that are proud to call themselves feminists, such as Emma Watson, who has become a goodwill ambassador. She has addressed this issue in many speeches, and she has determined that the reason why many women have chosen not to label themselves as feminist is because they are afraid of being too aggressive and isolating men; essentially they don’t want to seem anti-male. This may stem from the fact that in most of your societies young girls are encouraged to worry about the feelings and opinions of men; that those opinions are more important than your own. But I am telling you that you should label yourself as a feminist, because that is what you are. And instead of worrying about offending men, we should be educating them that feminism is not synonymous with man-hating.”

       

        “I guess I had never seen it that way,” I responded once we finished leveling the area where we were beginning construction.

       

        “I shall remove all of the piles of dirt and waste we have accumulated in an environmentally-friendly fashion. I hope that I was able to provide you with some comfort and advice on the subject of feminism.  Rectitude shall be along shortly to help you begin construction on the buildings.”

Part II

       

       While Rectitude (whom I nick-named Solange) and I began construction on the homes and other buildings for our new city, I updated her on the discussion I was having with Reason, about women who didn’t want to be labeled as feminist.

       

       Rectitude looked to me and said, “If more women in your society began calling themselves feminists, then it would become less taboo and poorly received. Like the artist Beyoncé, she is a self-proclaimed feminist, but she is clearly a valued member of your society, she is successful, and has many male fans.”

       

       This response prompted me to ask, “So does God support feminism and equal rights? I mean I know he sent you here, but it seems like he has contributed very little to changing the opinions of many, not to mention the fact that most religions are extremely sexist.”

       

       “Of course God supports this mission, or he would not have put you to this task. Religious works are often the product of man interpreting the word of God, and over time that can become very convoluted.  And our Lord greatly enjoys the works of Beyoncé.”

       

       “Huh, never would have guessed that one,” I said to myself quietly. “So what do you think of women that completely renounce feminism? Like those who strongly believe women are not equal to men and that it is ruining families, like what’s-her-face, Phyllis Schlafly.”

        

        Rectitude thought to herself for a moment before answering me, “Everyone is entitled to believe whatever is true for them. I do not know this Phyllis Schlafly, but it seems to me that when a woman renounces her own rights, and that of her peers, she is trying to defend something she feels is attacked. I believe the blonde comedian you like sums up my feelings on this nicely.”

       

       “Chelsea Handler?” I ask astonished.  

“No, no the one on the government show,” Rectitude answers. “Oh Amy Poehler!” I shout in excitement.

      

       “Yes, her, she has commented on this and she has said that for a women to renounce feminism is like saying ‘I don’t really believe in cars, but I drive one every day and I love that it gets me places and makes my life so much easier.’ If these women did in fact lose these rights that others fought so hard for, I believe they would feel very differently.”

       

       “I love her, she is so witty. And that is a very valid point. It is rather hypocritical. I guess I just don’t understand how a woman could validate not being paid as much as a man for the same work or how she could stand to not have someone else make decisions about her own body. I get that the right wing media has found ways to concoct theories to fight against these fundamental rights, I guess I just don’t understand how a woman, who has experienced these things, could believe them to be true. ”

       

       “See!” Rectitude prompted me, “You are a feminist and you are beginning to see how those ideas perpetuated about women are wrong. Now that we have finished the construction of the buildings I will retrieve Justice, so the two of you may finish construction and populate your city.”

Part III

       “I see that you have made quick work of the task set to you,” said Justice (aka Kelly Roland) as she arrived at the construction site. “Have you put any thought to the sort of women you would like to reside here?”

       “Well I have had a lot of help,” I responded. “And yes, I have. I want this to be a place for all those women who are strong and wise to be able to live freely. I want this to be a home for all those girls that are called bossy and bitchy, because they are assertive and they know that they are equal to men. I know now that I fit into that category.”

       “Well, as the great Tina Fey has said, ‘Bitches get stuff done,’” Justice responded. “What are you going to call your city of assertive, productive women?”

       I thought to myself and then responded with, “The city of Boss-Bitches. Those are titles we should be proud of, not ashamed of. We are going to take them back, so that no one can use them to hurt us.”

       “And who shall be your queen?” asked Justice.

       “We won’t have a queen, we will have a president. The bossiest, bitchiest of them all, Hillary Clinton.”

Queens and Regents Monthly

November Issue!

Are you a "Boss Ass Bitch" of a queen? Take our short survey to prove it!

Too often, we as women and rulers are written off as “bitches”. This is only a label used to dissuade us from using our roles as queens and mothers to benefit our families. Instead of being ashamed, we should learn to embrace this as a symbol of how strong we are.

1. You see a knight at court whom you find fairly attractive. One afternoon, as you and your ladies walk through the garden, you discretely approach him. You confess your desire for the knight in question, only to have him reject your advances. When you react with anger, he proceeds to declare that even his beloved’s serving women are fairer than you. You:

A. Would never be caught in such a position! You must remain loyal to the King no matter what.

B. Set out to destroy his good name.  If he thinks himself and his fictional mistress better than you, then you might as well tell the king that he insulted you greatly. There is no reason to reveal that you came onto him. Vengeance is yours.  

C. Though the situation seems doubtful, you would respect his decision. You trust that he will keep quiet about the matter. Though you are a proud queen, it is most important to think with a level head.

2. You have a young daughter who asks you about a queen's role in political matters. You explain to her that as the Queen, it is your duty to:

A. Stay removed from political matters as much as possible. You trust your husband’s judgment.

B. Offer careful advice to your husband, and try to guide his judgment as best you can. Generally, he will know the right thing to do, but it is important to voice your opinion.

C. Serve as an advisor in order to influence the king as much as possible. The queen is a crucial figure, and you must do your best to further the interests of your family and children. Behind every king is a brilliant queen. Strive to be well-liked by the people of your country in order to preserve your power.

3. One day, you are reading about marriage and see that the author believes that women are inherently bad and make the lives of men more difficult. You recognize this belief from many other books that you have read. You:

A. Feel great shame: why must you have been born a woman if your nature is so terrible?

B. Recognize that while this may not be entirely true, there is no way that so many learned men could be completely wrong.

C. Dismiss these judgments. As a woman, you are ruled by logic and reason rather than just your emotions.

4. You find yourself the sole monarch of your country. If you marry, you will be forced to answer to your new husband. You receive a petition from Parliament calling on you to marry for the good of the country. You:

A. Choose to marry. Now is as good a time as ever.
B. Give consideration to the idea of marriage, and start looking at potential candidates to rule alongside you. This is an opportunity to make an alliance with another country.
C. Declare that you consider yourself married to God and your country. Use this to further your subjects’ love and admiration for you. 

5. Within a few months, you find that you are still unwed. You receive a letter from Parliament once again urging you to marry so that you may have a legitimate heir. You:

A. Would never be in such a position! A queen should not remain unwed.

B. Rush marriage talks. This is for the good of your people. However, explain that you are doing this because you think it is right, rather than because of their letter. 

C. Send them a reply. You are acting in the best interest of your country as God intended. Be sure that Parliament does not imply that they care more for the safety of the country than you do. You are Queen for a reason, after all.

Congratulations! Now review your answers using the following point system and see your result! A= 1 Point, B= 2 Points, C= 3 Points

5-8 Points: Unfortunately, you seem to be a queen who lives in the shadow of her husband. But hope is not lost! You are not meant to be a quiet queen like Wealhtheow, the wife of Hrothgar in Beowulf. Do not shy away from your own potential!

9-13 Points: Pretty good! Keep up the good work, but try to be more decisive. Like Guinevere, the queen of Arthurian legend, you have confidence. But logic and reason are what truly make a good queen. Do not allow yourself to be shaped entirely by the men around you. With some changes, you too could be a boss ass bitch!

14+ Points: WOW! You are a boss ass bitch! Keep doing what you’re doing, as you will undoubtedly help your kingdom to prosper. You are wise and intelligent like Queen Elizabeth. Keep doing what you're doing, and show your kingdom what a fantastic queen you are!