Marriage: Who is for? Who is against? And what are their reasons?

By Kelsie Torello

Marriage. It's a topic that has been the cause of much debate and discussion throughout the centuries. From the time of Rome and the beginnings of the Church until today, the subject of marriage has been hotly debated. Jerome and Augustine advised it only in cases where one cannot lead a pure virginal life. Pope Nicholas I laid out explicit instructions for how marriages are to be entered into. Troubadours and poets write about the trials and joys of love and the cohabitation of love and marriage. Everyone, from saints to priests to kings to farmer, seems to have an opinion on it. Here today, we will hear from three very different people with very different experiences, and see what they have to say on the controversial topic of marriage.

With us are Heloise d'Argenteuil, abbess of the Paraclete, best known as the former wife and lover of Peter Abelard. An accomplished writer and physician, her letters tell of her well-known love affair with the famed Abelard and how their marriage was turned to tragedy.

Also speaking with us is the Wife of Bath. She is not as well-known, although we have a little information on her background. She was married for the first time at the age of twelve, and since then she has had five husbands who have all passed, and has recently married husband number six.

And last but not least, her majesty Queen Elizabeth of England, famously known as “The Virgin Queen”. Queen Elizabeth's lack of marriage and heir has been the subject of much discussion--and at times, concern--amongst the members of her court and the people of England. In response to these concerns, her majesty has made the claim that she is married to her country; therefore, she does not need a husband.

To these three very different women we have set three questions. Where do you stand on the question of marriage at all? Can love exist in marriage? And finally, what do you think makes for a successful marriage?

First, marriage has sometimes been spoken of not as a correct path to follow, but rather as only the lesser of two evils. How do you respond to this?

Heloise:

I find this topic somewhat difficult to talk about. For myself, my marriage to Peter Abelard ended in disaster with each of us turning our lives to God, just as Jerome and Augustine and Paul would have advised us to do from the very beginning.

But to speak to my own experience I look to the words of Paul in the first letter to the Corinthians. “But because of cases of sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.” When I met Abelard, I was much younger than I am now and was easily taken in by his intelligence and his reputation. He came to me as a teacher and I respected and admired him as much as I loved him. But rather than be led to 'sexual immorality' we were married so that we might know each other as a husband and wife should. But our love and marriage were not arranged in the proper way and could not last. There is no future in that sort of matrimony and for us it ended in separation and the loss of our son.

To more properly answer your question I would say that there isn't an evil to marriage if it is gone about in the proper way. Marriage is a union meant to preserve and society and allow it to grow. It has a place for those who cannot give their lives wholly to God as I have learned to. It is not an easy thing to do, to give up love and marriage in favor of devotion, but it can be done. I would agree with many of our saints and church leaders that marriage is the lesser of two evils, the other being immorality, and that a pure life is the preferred way to go if one can manage it. There's a good chance it will save you from much sadness and disappointment at the very least.

Wife of Bath:
I do not want to pretend to be an authority on the subject. I do not have any formal schooling, unlike these other two more esteemed ladies. I have only the experiences of my life and that has been my schooling. As you said I have been married five times since I was twelve years, and have learned a lot about what it means to be married and how to be happy in a marriage. I know what makes a good husband and what makes a bad one. But that's not the question now is it?

As for whether or not it is better to be married or to be a virgin, I know only what the Lord tells us. And the Lord does not say it is a sin to be married. Never did He command us to remain as virgins nor did he ever condemn marriage. In fact the Bible tells us to multiply and that is why we get married. We get married so we can fulfill the Lord's wishes and create more God fearing folk without falling into sin. Sex is a requirement of marriage and that means babies, which means more people to fill up those churches, and hear the preachers talk about Heaven and Hell and maybe some of them will grow up to be the virgins they praise.

Now I'm not saying being a virgin is wrong either. Those are impressive folk who can devote themselves to that sort of life. They deserve the praises all those learned folk like Jerome give them. But there are more marriages in the Bible than there are virgins and I think that those of us who get married have as much place in heaven as they do. Maybe we aren't the sort of perfect that they are but we've got our own uses in the eyes of the Lord. God granted us each our strengths. For nuns and priests that's praying, for me it's marriage. I'm not trying to boast about myself, I'm a simple woman after all. All I am trying to say is that there's as much use for a cooking pot as there is for silver cups in a lord's manor, so to speak.

Marriage is a lot more common than virginity is, if you've noticed. Not all of us can live up to those kinds of high standards. But there's a lot more fisherman than kings, but both do their jobs as God intended. In this marriage and virginity are much the same and neither are condemned by God.

Queen Elizabeth of England:

Marriage is an institution of much import; it allows for connections to be made, alliances to be forged, wealth to be collected and heirs born where they are needed. That being said marriage is no more a requirement for a fulfilled life than virginity is. There is no call for marriage when marriage would distract one from one's duties. Or worse, interfere in the proper running of one's house and home. A marriage of alliance must be entered into carefully so that one alliance is not forged and another severed. The safety and prosperity of one's realms, whatever they may be, must surely come first, for they have been appointed you by God as part of the life he intends you to lead. This is not something that one should take lightly and should consider this above more mundane reasons for such an undertaking.

Nor should one enter into a marriage when God has not led one to that life. We each have a path set for us. One should not be forced into a life of matrimony by the deeds and words of men when the Almighty has not led them to that life. We must defer to the Lord's wisdom in this, as He knows what is best. If God sets a woman to be a nun or a man to be a priest they would not be pressured to marriage against their will. If a lord or lady is inclined to marry to increase the prosperity of their holdings and the bonds between their families, and if it is a good match, they should not be forced to lives of virginity and devotion.

What it comes down to is duty. Is it one's duty to marry? Sometimes yes. For the security of ones people and lands. But would choosing one suitor over another or marrying at all be harmful to those who rely upon them. One must focus on one's God-given path and not stray from that path and the life that has been granted them.

Some troubadours have made an argument that love exists when one cannot have the object of ones affections. Therefore, love cannot exist in marriage. What do you think of this? Is love necessary or even possible in marriage?

Heloise:

There is no necessity to love one's husband or wife. Marriage is not always the product of love, though if they exist together the two who are married are lucky. I did not marry Abelard out of love, though I did love him. We married out of necessity to protect our reputations as our love affair had borne, if you will pardon the use of the phrase, physical evidence in the form of our son. To protect us both and for the benefit of Astrolabe we were married.

That said, the troubadours and other poets who claim that love can not exist within a marriage are wrong. I loved Abelard when I was married to him as much as before we were wed. I stayed as devoted to him then as I had before and after. Marriage does not destroy love by being enacted. Nor does marriage create love as I am sure there are examples of. They are independent factors with no bearing upon one another. Unless being married to one's love allows one to see them for who they truly are rather than the person they were thought to be. Then I can see how marriage could cause the end of love.

But this would require truly startling revelations about the character of one's beloved. One would have to have been deceived by a supposedly kind and dutiful lover who later proves to be distant and uncaring of one's own plights. Such lovers do exist I am sure and to those who have the misfortune of coming upon one they may still make the most of their marriages. Being married does still entitle one to certain rights owed to them by their spouse. No longer being in love, or perhaps finding a different sort of love, does not take away these rights.

Wife of Bath:

I don't know what all the fuss is about love. Songs are written about it, plays performed and poems penned in its name and never once have I heard it do any good for anyone. I have had five husbands, God rest their souls, and now am on to my sixth and only once have I ever loved one as the poets and playwrights would have you believe a woman will love a man. Or a man will love a woman. And it was not one of my good husbands whom I loved but the last and possibly worst of the two who caused me grief. No matter what he did, be it insult or beat me, still he could bring me around to love him again. But I came to regret our marriage as love could not bridge the differences that divided us.

So yes, marriage exists without love. In fact I would say it is better for it. Love would only get in the way of the duties of marriage and the rest of your work. Imagine not wanting to ever leave each other's side. No work would ever get done and soon you'd have far too many children to feed. And without loving your husband he'll never let you down. Imagine being in love and your husband looks at another woman. I suppose from the stories you'd be heartbroken and fall into despair. But if you don't love your husband you use his looking to get him to do as you please, that's your right as his wife.

So does marriage destroy love? I don't know. Probably. Spending all your time looking after someone, arguing with them and trying to keep them in line would ruin my liking of them. Even if I were swept up in one of the romances of legend, of which there's almost no chance now, I think after a year of cooking and cleaning for someone all that would just about die out. It's smartest not to get caught up in all of that at all I think. Even if the person you love isn't who you're married to. You might not have the same problems as a married couple but those poet's stories will tell you there's more than enough danger there too.

Queen Elizabeth of England:

Love and marriage are not my area of expertise. I am not all that familiar with either apart from what I have seen in others and I have yet to see a marriage that was entered into for the sake of love.

As I said before marriage is not about personal feelings but about the life God has chosen for us, whether it be a life of purity and devotion or a life of matrimony to secure the safety of one's self or one's property. Love has nothing to do with it. At least not the sort of love that troubadours think of, that almost obsessive love for a person whom one does not even know. It is better to have that sort of love and devotion for one's responsibilities and the people one is responsible for. Rather than waste time on silly emotions.

If one is inclined to love though, for it seems one can not help it, love and marriage can go together. In this I think the troubadours have it wrong. Marriage does not destroy love, in fact, love might serve to strengthen a marriage, and the bond struck between the families of the married will be all the stronger for their love, assuming they do not turn from each other. Should they turn though than all the more painful will be their heartbreak, and all the worse their marriage for it. One becomes trapped with someone they used to love rather than with someone they never loved but might find companionship with. It is not an enviable prospect.

Better it is to love one's station and obligations. Love your property and holdings and the people who look to you for assistance. Love those you owe your allegiance. Romantic love is fickle and can turn at any time. But the love of one's estate or country or monarch is an easy loyalty to keep.

The final question: What makes a good marriage?

Heloise:

A good marriage relies upon many things. Proper planning for one, as rushed marriages of necessity or elopements rarely end well. There is a reason families are meant to be part of the negotiations. Eloping may seem like a romantic choice or even the only option available to some couples but it is a dangerous route to take. Contracts and negotiations are a means of protection, so that neither party can be sent away, or abandoned and left with nothing if they've done no wrong. Without some kind of agreement binding husband to wife there is nothing to keep their marriage from falling into ruin.

A priest can marry a couple but the church alone can not promise that that marriage will be good. Nor can love alone make a good marriage. Neither do children or promises of devotion. Marriage, as much as it is a covenant with God, is an institution created by man and so is prone to error. To be married in the eyes of God, in all his infinite wisdom, does not always keep a marriage together here on Earth. Contracts and planning and families offer the protection needed to maintain a good, proper, marriage.

The Wife of Bath:

I can tell you exactly what makes a good marriage and it has nothing to do with love, or contracts, or anything like that, that's something I can tell you right now. Of my five past husbands, God rest their souls, three were good and two were bad. So I know what makes a good marriage and I can tell you for certain that it has everything to do with the men involved.

My good husbands all had a few things in common, each of them was rich and old. Old enough that they could hardly give me what I was due as their wife, not to be vulgar of course. These marriages were good and easy as they were glad to have me. They gave me their love and their wealth and I gave them what I must as their wife. I needed to give them no more than that, you see, as I did not need to win their affections. I already had them and for them to love me any more would do me no good. They were entirely within my power and all they had was mine. Those were good marriages.

My bad husbands were the last two I married, the fourth whilst I still had some youth left in me and the final when I had lost the beauty my youth had given me. But my mind is as sharp as ever, I promise you. Not even time has softened my mind. Now these husbands were young and lusty and cast their eyes on other women. My fourth husband I learned to control, as any wise woman will, by keeping him half convinced of his madness. Every abuse I threw at him and he could no more avoid them than avoid his hearth and home all together. I made him mad with jealousy and whatever else I could until he died when I was away on pilgrimage. 

My last husband, before my current, was the worst of the lot and why I advice against marriage for the sake of love. I loved him and so I had no control of him. He could yell and beat me, go off into town on his own and there was nothing I could do to stop him because at night he would seduce me again with flattering words and I would lose my resolve and love him all over. Never allow yourself to be seduced by pretty words, that is advice I give now to maintain a happy marriage. Keep your wits about you. He would drive me to madness with his damned book, a book of wicked women. He would read it nightly, all the tales of bad wives that have ever been heard in the world. From Eve to Helen of Troy, every woman who had ever acted badly was in his book and every night he read these tales to torment me. And there was nothing I could do to stop him except destroy the book for he was immune to any of my tricks because he knew I loved him.

And that is how you keep a good marriage. To be happy in marriage you must be the one in control. Getting lost in emotion is no help at all, my husbands have all been evidence of that. My first three husbands were lost in their love for me and were easily led about. The fourth I had to drive to madness to keep under my control because he was too easily led away by his lusts and passions. And with the fifth I was lost and unhappy because he knew the power he had over me. There is my advice, whatever you choose to do with it. Learn to control your husbands and a happy wife you'll be.

Queen Elizabeth of England:

A good marriage is one that will be the most benefit to the most people. It's very simple really. A good marriage will benefit both families involved, the couple who is marrying and the estates they hold. If they have no holdings then I do not think there's much that matters besides that both halves of the couple are good and just people and deserving of each other. If this is the case then it all should work out.

This usually comes down to a question of suitors, as a man is more often given the choice of whom he will pursue. It is the girl and her family who are given the task of choosing which suitor shall be the girl's husband. In this they must consider nothing to frivolous as the girl's affections as these are easily swayed by pretty words and grand deeds. What the parents should look for and instruct their daughter to consider is the stability of the match and what sort of life she will live depending on her choice. A poor adventurer may seem an exciting sort and may win the maiden's heart but a rich, older nobleman with lands and a steady income will provide for her. Thus, he is the better match.

And there you have it, from them to you. Who is to say which of these three remarkable women is right? Who is to say which route you will take? But maybe next time you're thinking of running off with a lover, the words of Heloise will counsel you otherwise. Or when choosing between two suitors maybe the advice of her majesty will play a role in your final decision. It's up to you!