30-Second Lais

Marie de France, a 12th century poetess, wrote witty stories to entertain the masses in the form of short poems called Lais. Her stories were based upon ones she had heard the Bretons tell, and contained tales of love, loss, and adultery. Written during the age of chivalric themes and courtly love,  her poems were just long enough to entertain a crowd in the evenings.  Unfortunately, due to the ever decreasing attention spans of society today, we find it necessary to abbreviate for your benefit. With great pleasure we bring to you two retellings specially shortened for your attention span. Marie de France: 30-second Lais.

A Collaboration by, Brittany Osborn and Rose Maidoff

Less Talk, More Action!

Marie de France: Hello, and welcome to “Less Talk, More Action”! The radio show that gives you experts in the world of love to answer your questions! I am Marie de France and I will be your host this evening a special edition we’re calling “Love Lessons”. Co-hosting with me today is Andreas Capellanus, a clerical bureaucrat who is the author of “The Art of Courtly Love” and a newfound expert in the art of love. Why don’t you say hello, Andreas?

Andrea Capellanus: Hello.

Marie de France: Okay! Lets move on to our first hopeless romantic! This is a question sent in from a woman named Lilith, who writes “I have noticed in the past few weeks that my lover has been with one of his knights quite often. I worry that his love for him is becoming greater than his love for me. Should I be worried that my lover may be taken from me?”

Andrea Capellanus: I assure you, Lilith, that you have no need to be worried. First, if you have fallen for this knight, then he must have a good character that would not allow him to seek affection from anyone other than you. Most importantly, love cannot exist between people of the same sex. For whatever nature forbids, love is ashamed to accept.

Marie de France: While I do respect my co-host’s opinion, I have to disagree. I do think there are different types of relationships. There are the relationships between women and men, men and men, and lastly man and god.  A woman and a man can have romantic love for each other, or a friendship. A relationship between a man and a man, especially those who are knights, can become a deep bond of friendship, loyalty and trust.  It is possible that there is a bond between your lover and his friend, although I do not think you should feel threatened that his love will decrease for you. I would watch out for competing obligations--that is, his obligation to you as a lover and his obligation of loyalty to his companion.

Andrea Capellanus: I also respect my co-host’s opinion, despite the fact that she is a daughter of Eve. It appears to me that if you are so worried that your lover might abandon you, then he probably did not have a good character to begin with. Thus it is you, Lilith, who should worry about your own love choices.

Marie de France: I am going to let that “daughter of Eve” comment slide this time. Love is something that cannot be helped, and in some cases the greatest stories of love revolve around pain and the absence of love. I do not think this is Lilith’s fault at all.

Andrea Capellanus: Wait a minute…

Marie de France: Let’s take a break! Here’s the hit new single “Brave Sir Robin” by the Monty Python Minstrels, who have become quite popular despite their recent police arrest.

Commercial Break

Marie de France: Now we’re back, and I do hope you enjoyed the song. We left off helping one of our listeners, and now move on to another hopeless romantic. This is from Sir Edwin, who writes, “I have fallen in love with a beautiful maiden of lower rank than I. I am obligated to marry someone of my own status or higher. Is it wrong for me to take this woman as my lover?” Well first off, Sir Edwin, by beautiful do you mean she has a rightly proportioned nose? No matter, love cannot be helped, and even if you do take a wife, the love you have for her will still hold true.

Andrea Capellanus: Beauty is important, but so are character and a person’s actions. Women are manipulative creatures, and she may seek you as a means to increasing her rank.

Marie de France: That is untrue! I am sure that this maiden is a beautiful and loving person. In my lai “Le Fresne”, a knight and a lowborn maiden end up falling in love and actually marrying each other. So there is hope.

Andrea Capellanus: Oh really … because if I recall correctly, that maiden ended up being of noble birth, and only then did they marry. Strange that the very author of that lai would forget such a pivotal moment. In fact, I am not sure what qualifies my co-host as such a expert in love.

Marie de France: You just had to cross that line … Funny that all this backtalk is coming from a cleric. Where exactly are your qualifications when it comes to love?

Andrea Capellanus: Well this certainly has been an enlightening experience ... So enlightening that I think I have to leave and think it over, and never come back!

Marie de France: Well you heard it, Ladies and Gentleman! This will conclude tonight’s show of “Love Lessons”. Stay tuned for a special edition of the Jerry Springer show, with the married couple Iwein and Laudine. He killed her husband and she married him! Watch the two battle it out! Next week we’ll welcome guest author James Schultz to discuss “Heterosexuality and You’”. Thank you for listening to “Less Talk, More Action!”

E-Mails between Two Friends

Hello, Andy

Long time no see! How have you been? How is life? So the reason I am writing to you is because I am in a bit of a situation, and I would like to ask for your advice on the matter. There is this girl that I am kind of crazy about, and I need to have her! Except, she is so hot that she is way out of my league! I don’t know how to approach her to make her return my feelings. You are a really smart guy, and you are doing really well for yourself, so I thought you might be able to help me out here.

Best,

Walt

Hey, Walt

I have been doing well, working and all that. Before I tell you what you should do, I want to share my opinion on love and women, even though you may not pay much attention to it. If you were to ask me about my personal opinion, my friend, I would say DON’T! Don’t go falling in love and chasing after anyone! Who has heard of a woman that has done anything good for her lover or for anyone else for that matter? Women are selfish creatures; they would suck your blood, completely drain you out of your money and energy with much joy and then throw you away when they think someone better has come along. Trust me, someone better will always come along because women can never be satisfied with what they have, and they always either envy others or wish for what they have. Also, in no universe can you ever trust a woman! Not only are they lying and manipulative, but they cannot keep their mouths shut and, undoubtedly, go around talking about everything that has happened between you two or that you have very foolishly shared with her. Even worse, they are such obsessive creatures! They always need attention and reassurance of your love in order to feel safe (although you can never be sure of their love). They feel the need to control every aspect of your life, and want to know every little detail about it, not because they care about you, but because they are very possessive of their belongings (and yes, my friend, you are just a belonging in her eyes). All of this gets in the way of what is more important – having a successful career and advancing in life. If there is a woman constantly distracting you, you can never achieve anything in your life. Have you ever seen a successful man with a wife that wasn’t holding him back? I am not denying that there is some use of women. They are great when you have to satisfy some needs, but do not confuse that with the cheesy concept of love.

However, I also realize that people, who fancy themselves in love, don’t really listen to the voice of reason, so I will tell you what to do if you still want to get this girl. You say she is way out of your league, but if you want to get her, you need to change this attitude completely, or at least not let it show in front of her. Women can sense insecurity and fear in guys (not unlike our friends, the dogs), so you need to cover them up completely. If you want to get a woman who is out of your league, simply act like you are from her league. Be as cocky and confident as you can, and don’t ever try to be nice to her because being nice will never get you anywhere or anything (that I can say is true of life in general, too). If this doesn’t seem to be enough, you might try to bring her down to your league, and by that I mean make her doubt herself and feel insecure. You can subtly mention some flaw of hers; basically just insult her, but not in an obvious way. Make her feel bad about her features or clothes, or even better - her weight. Girls get really insecure about that. Also, don’t seem too interested in her. Women just love to desire what they cannot have, so you need to make her think that you are most definitely not interested in her for her to consider paying any attention to you. If you are not able to convince her and she still looks down on you, just blame her of being shallow and insult her intelligence. Sound like you are utterly disappointed with her ‘ugliness on the inside’ and like you don’t want to have anything to do with her. In other words, make her feel unwanted, and she will do anything to change that in you. 

If you need help with anything else, you can always ask me.

Best,

Andy

Hello, Andy

Thank you for taking the time and answering my question! I did what you suggested that I do, and it worked, but only to a certain point because there happens to be another issue. She happens to have a boyfriend; apparently, they have been dating for the past two years. We kissed a couple of days ago, but she did not want to go any farther and said that it would be best if we stopped seeing each other, since she is in a relationship already. I don’t know how to convince her to stay with me. Can you help me out with that as well?

Best,

Walt

 Hey, Walt

You are very welcome, and you can always ask me when you are unsure about something. The situation you’re in might actually be an easier fix than you realize. You just have to point out that having a boyfriend and having a lover are completely different things, two separate entities entirely. People have boyfriends/girlfriends because they want to keep to the social trends of our time; having a ‘significant other’ is simply a social expectation that a lot of people conform to. However, you cannot be in love with your boyfriend/girlfriend since that relationship is supposed to be completely devoid of one of the most important qualities of love – namely, jealousy. Being a jealous boyfriend/girlfriend is completely looked down upon. But when you are in love, you cannot not be a jealous lover because your feelings will not allow you to. This simple fact clarifies that the relationship of a boyfriend/girlfriend is not one of love. So she cannot be in love with her boyfriend. However, everyone is entitled to love. She needs to find someone else to get love from, if she doesn’t have it in her life. Since you guys already share some kind of a connection why shouldn’t she just let you give her that love? It is most reasonable that she make you her lover, so that she is not deprived of anything she is owed in her life. That should convince her that indeed she should have it all! 

Hope this helps and let me know how it goes.

Best,

Andy

Hello, Andy!

I thank you again for your advice. You would be glad to hear that it is all great now! I am her lover, and we have the most amazing time together! It is all owed to you, of course! Let me know if I can do anything for you in return. 

Best,

Walt

Love to Love - The Game of Courtship and Love!

Diary Entry by Eleanor of Paris

Diary Entry by Eleanor of Paris

I, Eleanor, write this entry on the 28th of March in the year 1278.

I have been reading Marie de France’s writings for the past week. I am finding them to be very interesting, but also perplexing. They confuse me sometimes. They confuse my idea of love. Marie’s Lai, “Le Fresne”, is particularly confusing to me. The different ideas of what love can be are very odd to me. I don’t really understand them, but I am going to try to. 

“Le Fresne” puts forward this idea that love might be present in marriage. And that love can lead to a happy ending. This is so different from the idea of love and marriage that I have been raised on. I was raised to believe, by both being told and witnessing, that love and marriage cannot exist together. That love, when it does occur, exists separately from marriage. My mother and father are kind to each other, but I do not think they love each other. My aunt herself has told me that my mother had loved a boy from their town when she was young, but nothing came from it. My aunt told me the story and then added that even if they had been allowed to marry, their love would have faded. My aunt said “Love and marriage cannot mix. How can they? They are such separate ideas.” When I read Marie’s “Equitan”, I understood what my aunt had told me. In the story, love should only exist in absence because anything other than love in absence leads to tragedy. 

I have been seeing some parallels between “Equitan” and “Le Fresne”. Both I think question the idea of honor and morality. In “Equitan”, we have the dishonorable king and the dishonorable wife of the seneschal. In the end after they are both dead, Marie makes clear what the message of the story is:

“Anyone who wants to listen to reason

Can find here a moral for any season;

He who seeks to harm his neighbor

Will be the victim of his own labor.”

I know that most of these stories were not created by Marie and that she has crafted what the message of the story could be. What the “moral for any season” is. Marie is warning us. She is warning us that those who are disloyal will be punished in some way.  

In “Le Fresne”, the wife of the knight unjustly accuses her neighbor of being dishonorable to her husband because she has given birth to twin boys, stating that a woman who has given birth to two children has been unfaithful to her husband. The wife of the knight then gave birth to twin girls. The wife was so ashamed that she gave up one of her daughters to protect herself from that same shame. The story reminds us of the importance of good moral character and dissuades us from speaking ill of our neighbors. Which believe me I will never do...again. The daughter spends her life in a nunnery unaware of her past. This same daughter then goes on to love a knight and they live happily for some time. But here is where I get confused about love and what it should be.

So from my understanding, love should exist in absence. That is what the troubadours have taught me. Love is supposed to be this far off thing. And I should never act on it according to “Equitan”. After reading “Equitan”, I am not sure I want to love. But also, I have realized that love is not something you can choose. You cannot fight it. “Equitan” tries, I think, not to love his seneschal’s wife. He tries to convince himself to be honorable and loyal and not a servant of Love. But he cannot help himself. And he dies because of what he does. Well, that’s what I cannot tell. Does he dies because he acts on his love or because he plotted to kill the king?

In “Le Fresne”, the woman and the knight are happily living together and it is stated that they are well respected. Although they are not married, they can be in love and be respected. They can also be together and be in love, which challenges the idea that love can only be enjoyed from afar. The knight eventually has to marry because the knight is of a certain class and people begin telling him to take a wife. The woman remains faithful to him and graciously steps aside when the knight and his bride are married. The woman steps aside because she knows her place and because she knows she can never marry her lover. She is gracious and faithful to her lover. And people respect and love her for it. And in the end, she and her lover, the knight, marry, but only when it is revealed that she is of noble birth. In this story, class and nobility is very important and despite the woman’s abundance of virtues she is not deemed worth of marriage to the knight until she is discovered to be of noble blood. In the end she and her lover, the knight, are allowed to marry. Surely they were in love before they married, so why would they not continue to be after being married? This story confuses me because it looks as if marriage can be based on, at the very least, mutual affection. So can there be love? I do not know, nor do I understand.

I have been trying to learn what love is and how I should act in situations pertaining to love and absolutely none of these stories are helping me much. There is one thing that I can say about love that I think to be true: that it is fickle and we cannot understand it. And that it might be best to love from afar and not act. Because even though everything went well in the end of “Le Fresne”, the knight was going to marry someone else that he did not love. And although he ended up marrying someone he did love, it was only by chance and the story ends without telling us if their love lasted. It ends without telling us if love is able to exist within marriage. I do not think that it can. The troubadors say that love can only be from afar and many stories say that as well. Marriage and love are separate. I only wish that they were not.

Andreas Capellanus on the Art of Adventurous Love

Ninth Dialogue

A felon speaks with a woman of the middle class.

If a felon should dare try and speak with a woman of the middle class, he should tread carefully, for he is in all probability storming the wrong castle and asking for more trouble.  However, too woo her, the felon should take advantage of the dim mood lighting afforded to him when she visits him at the local dungeon, and he should take heed to never show fear in front of the visitor, as it is common knowledge that ladies can smell this as keenly as the bloodhound of the jailers that tracked him and his fellow outlaws down.  Soft speech is not often as helpful or comes as easy as a charming demeanor for such rogues, so it is convenient to proceed in this fashion:

The man says: “My lady, with so few days left before I hang at the gibbet for my sinful crimes, I can wait no longer and must confess to you that I find you are more worthy of praise than any other woman on this earth or in heaven.  The noble ladies of the finest bard’s tales compare not to you!  When I heard all about you from all the other men in the village, my heart leapt, but when I saw you, it was steadied, for their words were true.”

The woman says: “I thank you for your compliments, as though I know not of what gossip you have heard, I do eagerly desire to do all I can to be a woman worthy of praise, much as good Queen Matilda once did.  I do my best to try to practice moderation and good judgement in all that I do.”

The man says: “Indeed, I applaud those who can sustain such lifestyles, but are not tolerance and leniency also virtues in their own ways, lending life its freedoms and merriments?  I find myself cursing God that I am fated to remain here until my dying day, unless fortune and Lady Love would shine upon me.  I cannot die without having known your love, my lady.  I would plead with you for your favor and your help in finding an escape so that we may consummate our love.”

The woman says: “Sir, be not so bold, as not all ladies desire the rogue.  You are a man doomed to die for the shameful crime of maliciously and drunkenly running down an entire flock of sheep with your cart, so how could such a hateful man dare to speak to me of love?  I have been told that a lover’s good character alone would make him worthy of love, but you lack even that, as your crimes, your scheme to use me as a tool of escape, and your vile intentions all prove.  I will grant you just one last kiss on your way to the gallows when I see you next!”

Tenth Dialogue

A man of the lower world speaks with a woman of the higher nobility.

If a man of the lower world should seek the love of a woman of a higher nobility, he should note that he will need to be quite careful in his choice of words and actions, as highborn ladies are likely to scorn him for his differences and even more likely to take enjoyment in public ridicule.  Courtly shows of athletic prowess such as hunting have often ended in embarrassment for many a deceased lover where instead of impressing the lady and laying a prize her feet, such events will often end with the hounds sniffing the air in confusion, searching not for the hart, but rather leading the party nearer to the gentleman’s long-still heart and a new tale to tell amongst cups at the poor would-be lover’s expense.  As such, I would suggest an alternate route to a lady’s heart using the tongue to beguile your lady with sweet words.  As a man more than well past his physical prime, it will be essential to speak well and in a similar fashion as this:

“Good lady, God has seen fit to leave me tied to this earth past my mortal days so I can only deduce that he has given me a purpose and a quest, as mighty King Arthur and his knights sought out the Grail, I seek out my own Holy Chalice, as a knight of that other unworldly place, Avalon.  I have wandered through the otherworld, and journeyed far to seek out my fame and fortune, yet my quest has remained unfulfilled and the Temple of Love that this Holy Chalice dwelled in remained unbeknownst to me, but coming here and wandering into your noble father’s court I laid eyes on the vessel that would fill my heart with life and love once again!  I have been long left to wander this world, and after many years of solitude in this pallid body, I feel again as though I have life within my flesh just from the remedy of your nearness to me. Alas, I feel the many human sensations of the body perplex me again.  Indeed, even Lady Philosophy herself could not reason with me for although I am dead, I feel the sickness of love clasp at my being; I have not eaten, I have not slept, and when you are near my face grows pale!  You have struck me, and I am your victim. Believe me, fair maiden, when I declare my love for you!”

The woman says: “Sir, I am flattered by your speech, but think of what you say. If Lady Philosophy cannot persuade you that you have not fallen ill, let me remind you of these veritable facts; since your jousting accident so many years ago you have not ever broken your fast, you have not once laid yourself down to sleep, and your condition renders you constantly pale.  It is not lovesickness that caused these symptoms, and if Lady Philosophy could still visit you in a dream or a vision, the mistress of logic would convince you of such with more grace and eptitude than I.  Indeed, you show not one sign of love, so how could you make such claims and lie to me so for such vile gain? You have not even a pulse when I am about!”

The man says: “Although you may make sense, your words are not fairly judged, as my heart may not beat but it still feels.  Such accusations you make, I cannot bear!  My love for you is boundless, and spans both this world and the other.  You will find no other suitor who can compete in terms of devotion with I, all other men--even the likes of fair Tristan--seem just fledglings learning the art of love for the first time compared to one so long on this earth, and you would never fear a period of mourning as did poor Iseult, for no man can fall victim to Death’s snare twice.  Do not excoriate me for my condition, but rather look upon it as a virtue. For sooth, there is no reason to turn away from desire, and I have my merits.  Would you deny love to a worthy man based solely upon his vitals?  I am struck down by Aphrodite--lady, you wound me!”

The woman says: “It matters not if I wound you, for you do not bleed. You are made only of bone, sinew, and skin, as Ezekiel wrote of your kind rise in the Valley of the Dry Bones, although he said there was no wind in those hordes, but I see much evidence to the contrary in you, as your constant bantering offends my ears.  Sir, you are persistent but I fear for a lover who lives a life--nay, rather--exists in two existences between the living and the dead and between the otherworld and this earth.  No troubadour has ever sung of such a match as that between you and I, and I could not be sure that I would not fall prey to the same betrayal as Lunete, left waiting for her Iwein.”

The man says: “Indeed, I do not bleed, but I do not stray either.  My double existence will only serve to ensure that our romance would be kept secret and safe.  The nightingale will be our messenger, and I will come to you happily, leaving only when the watchmen calls for you to meet the dawn and for me to retreat to the Fortunate Isles where I will dwell miserably until next I will lay eyes upon you, for even the fair Elysium would seem to be all that St. Augustine of Hippo described the eternal damnation of Hell to be without your embrace.  You act as if you were the one lacking a warm and beating heart!  How can I earn your good graces and your favor?”

The woman says: “You beat at my defenses with your lithe tongue, yet still I hold.  I regret causing your pain, as my heart is not yet as still as yours, and I have once felt the solaces of love.  However, a lady must protect her virtue, and a woman must protect her heart.  I cannot grant your request without assurances, for what worth is a lady without her dignity?  I am but a woman, but I am no fool.  Would you not counsel me to defend my honor, or do advise me to cast aside the warnings of the tale of the fallen Guinevere, left to mourn the loss of her virtue, her husband, and her lover?  How would I know that you would remain true and would give no other lover your heart?”

The man says: “Lady, do not doubt me, for I will pledge myself as your champion, your own Knight of the Cart.  Grant me your favor!  Know that I am true, for I give you my heart as a token of my love, and now no other can have it.  Take this as a tribute from me and keep it secret and safe, my lady, but know that I can love no other lady but you.”

The lady says: “Ah--I cannot deny that no one had ever made such a gesture to me before, yet I cannot help but wonder, do you have a reliquary to deposit this in?”

The True Lai of Lanval

I recently discovered that the story of Lanval’s and my love was recorded by the illustrious Marie de France, and I decided to read the thing, since so many people swoon over how incredibly romantic it sounds. I expected to find a credible tale similar to the actual events, perhaps with a few flourishes to capture the audience. But what I read must have been the stupidest story I have ever heard. Despite Marie de France’s claims, our tale did not revolve around Lanval and his actions, and I was not a minor, random character. The fact is, the lai of Lanval is really about me, my broken heart, and how I mended it. Marie de France was decidedly wrong in her depiction of my affair with Lanval, and I have taken it upon myself to set the record straight. What follows is the true lai of Lanval.

The adventure of one great lay,

Just as it happened, I'll relay:

It tells of a very nice fairy,

And she happens to be me.

The details of Lanval the knight,

As described by Marie de France,

Were, in fact, accurate and true

Until she wrote of his romance.

First you must know my own

History with King Arthur’s court.

You see, I knew his queen long ago

Before she was his consort.

Oh, we’d been the best of friends

Until she stole his heart away,

The man I loved so dear, and I vowed

Retribution upon her that same day.

So I left their land without a word

And devised a plan for revenge.

I had a broken heart to mend

And my honor to avenge.

Fairy that I am, I

Watched their kingdom from a distance

And found my chance in one knight,

An ideal tool for my vengeance.

I learned this knight, named Lanval,

Was kind and brave and true,

Yet the king declined to show him favor,

Though he deserved what all knights are due.

So I waited for Lanval to ride out alone,

And by my power lured him to a brook

Where my beautiful maidservants were waiting

To catch his lustful look.

Through their charm they bade him

To follow to where I wait,

In a lavish tent among lavish things,

In a rather provocative sort of state.

Then Lanval appeared, eyes wide

And I’ll admit I smugly smiled

That all my splendor was still unmatched

And men were so easily beguiled.

I flirted with the knight

Who so sorely needed acceptance,

And to my surprise I fell passionately in love

And we spent the night in joyance.

For yes, he was nice, but my God

I’d never seen a man quite so handsome!

I could barely remember my original intent

So infatuated with Lanval had I become.

We spent our time in each other’s arms

And I granted him everything I had.

He was just THAT good looking,

It was enough to drive a girl mad.

But even with our great love,

My heart refused to fully mend

And I set my plan back in motion:

I had a queen’s reputation to end!

I continued to care for my love,

And gave him all that he needed,

But I warned him to keep our tryst

A secret, to which he conceded.

Thus my plan was back in place,

As I knew Lanval too well,

Even though he was full of honor,

It was too hard, our secret, not to tell.

So when he arrived back in court,

I cast a spell on Arthur’s queen’s heart.

She fell madly in love with my Lanval,

And fervently wished him her sweetheart.

But my love refused, as I knew he would

And the petty woman rushed to the King

To slander the good knight’s name

For refusing her courting.

Finally, Marie de France did a fine job

Of telling what happened then:

How I came to Lanval’s aid, and

From the queen’s wraith, rescued him.

But the entire point of the story

Is that stealing another woman’s beau is wrong

And in the end she’ll gain the upper hand

(As I did) And receive the love of a better man.