1001 Ways to Woo Your Wench excerpt

To Whom It May Concern,

I am sending you a copy of my proposal for a new book I have just written. It is titled “1001 Ways to Woo Your Wench”, and it will be the revolutionary new dating book for all of those poor souls in the medieval times that need help finding a lady.

Please consider my proposal wholeheartedly. It’s bound to fly off the shelves.

Best Regards,

Briar Joren Sturnmeyer

1001 Ways to Woo Your Wench

by Briar Joren Sturnmeyer

University of Oxford Press

Oxford, England, United Kingdom

University of Oxford Press

Paris, France

First Paperback Printing 1238

© 1234 by

University of Oxford

Briar Joren Sturnmeyer

1001 Ways to Woo Your Wench: A Guide to Feminist Dating in the Medieval World

1. Relationship 2. Dating 3. Feminism 4. Medieval

Printed in England

09 08 07 06 05 04 03 02 01 00

9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0

Acknowledgements

I’d like to dedicate this book to all of the poor souls out there that have been forced to actually use it. Not everyone is as good looking as the author, but come on. Women aren’t THAT hard to get.

Table of Contents

Introduction 6

Spotting Your Prey 15

Analyzing The Best Method of How to Get What You Want 25

Is She Actually Worth Your Time? 31

No, But Really. Does She Do Any of These Things? 33

Okay, You Wanna Woo Her. How? 35

1001 Ways To Snatch Her Up 44

Did It Work? 147

Are You Actually Trying Your Hardest? 169

It Was Actually All Her Fault. 177

Rinse and Repeat 201

So You’re In a Relationship: Now What? 222

Commitment? Ain’t Nobody Got Time for That 241

She Dumped You? Back to Square One. 289

Excerpt:

METHOD #60: ASK HER ALL OF THE HARD QUESTIONS

Your woman is smart (maybe). However, it’s important to let her know right off the bat that you’re not going to let her get away with her thinking that you won’t challenge her. Sure, she’s fine with your assumptions that you think less of her intelligence, but you have to make sure she has fully accepted that you’re going to want a partner that will be able to have an intelligent conversation. Ask her about her day or if she thinks that it would be a good idea to do the laundry soon, considering that it’s covered in flies and can basically stand on its own. But don’t forget to ask about opinions also: what are her political views? Does she even know what is going on with the king? What gossip has she heard about the queen’s new stableboy? That would probably be the extent of her knowledge. Just don’t pressure her into hurting her brain. She can’t handle too much or else you might overwhelm her. Always overestimate to compensate for anything that might put her over the edge.

METHOD #61: BROADEN HER HORIZONS AND ABILITIES BY INTRODUCING HER TO NEW THINGS

Chances are, she hasn’t been introduced to much at the forefront of combat, horse riding, or masculinity. After all, she’s too busy tending to the house of her father and brothers and much too occupied with other womanly things than to explore the “dirtier” side of life. Take her for a walk on the wild side. Show her how to use a slingshot (with balls of grass instead of rocks so she doesn’t hurt herself). Let her up onto your horse, or pony more preferably, if you have one. Just make sure she maintains her femininity and make her ride in the uncomfortable position of side saddle. Wouldn’t want anyone to think that you’re courting a harlot that likes her legs spread, would you? But just make sure she’s finding out new interests. You want a woman with a broad set of them.

Fun fact: women that are boring in everyday life are also boring in bed.

METHOD #62: IF SHE DOESN’T SEEM INTERESTED, YOU’RE PROBABLY NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH

Has she been brushing you off or has been trying to avoid you? Do you flaunt your manliness in the town center, causing all of the women to swoon for you, except her? Does she often tell you to leave you alone? She’s simply playing hard to get. You need to try harder. Period. Follow her. Leave her gifts from her “secret admirerer.” Write songs and poems about her from far away. Make these poems have metaphors about sex, but relate to sex through the Divine. Talk to everybody about her, especially people you know will relay the messages back to her. She’ll be wrapped around your finger in no time. But, in the event that you actually do win her attention, you have to keep everything quiet. Be loud about her in your endeavors to capture her, but when you have her, that’s it. Do you really want to attract more attention to you two and worry about another guy coming along to try and snatch her up? She’s a slut and would totally cheat on your ass, so be careful and keep your mouth shut.

METHOD #63: LOOK THE PART

Ladies love looking at a good body. And let’s be real here: they’re often so shallow, they really don’t care how you treat them. Have an aristocratic nose, nice swooshy hair, and legs that would kill. She wants to be shown around with a body that is completely envious. Even if she doesn’t have the nicest body herself, she’ll still want it on her arm. So start lifting some lead and running around the outside of your town’s walls a little. In no time, you could have a body that she’ll want to brag about to all of her friends.

METHOD #64: DON’T LIMIT YOURSELF TO SINGLE LADIES

Marriage doesn’t matter anymore. If the woman you are courting just so happens to be married, that really shouldn’t be a reason to stop. Marriage does not equal love. Marriage is simply a social construct. Therefore, as long as you’re okay with you two not socially being together, you could totally be open to getting laid with almost no strings attached. She probably isn’t satisfied anyway with just one person to have sex with. Give a little, take a lot. That’s how women work. So she would probably be happy to bring another man into her life. Even if it is just for sex, remember to cuddle her once in a while so she doesn’t get suspicious that you’re only using her. Just make sure not to piss off her husband. It wouldn’t end well if your manhood was accidentally chopped off because you weren’t able to keep it in your pants. But you know what they say: all’s fair in love and war.

METHOD #65: DON’T BE SUCH A GOOD GUY

Play hard to get. Be a bad boy. The ladies love a guy that can make them feel like crap. Talk down to her. Make her feel like a subordinate. She isn’t worth the fight anyway, so why should you go after her like she is? Acting like an ass isn’t counterintuitive whatsoever and she will definitely want to hook up with a guy that will make her cry. Then again, that’s basically the only emotion she ever truly feels. Don’t ever be too available.

METHOD #66: MATERIAL POSSESSIONS DO ACTUALLY MATTER

Let’s get this straight: girls are shallow and want somebody with money. So even if you don’t have money, walk around like you do. Wear your best set of tunic and hose. Parade around with the most expensive horse you can afford. Don’t be stingy on accessory. And even after you have her, don’t let her know that you aren’t poor. She wants a sugar daddy. Give her just that.

METHOD #67: BE AS MASCULINE AS POSSIBLE

Women date men because they want to be with a man. They don’t want a prissy guy who can’t kill spiders or save a damsel in distress because he was too scared to get stabbed. Be a man. You must be as swift as a coursing river with all of the strength of a great typhoon. You have to as swift as a raging fire and mysterious as the dark side of the moon. Where have I heard that before? Oh wait…. Anyway, be a man, dammit! Eat with your hands, burp, scratch yourself, do anything that may be considered overkill in public. If that means asking degrading and/or sexual questions in the earshot of children and elders, do that too! Show her that you mean business and that you’re strong both physically and mentally enough to show that you. Don’t. Care. Your masculinity is your pride and joy. Show it off. And most importantly, never show weakness. It makes you a walking target.

METHOD #68: SETTLE FOR THE FIRST GIRL YOU SEE

She’s pretty, smart, and not crazy. There. You’re done. Boom. Don’t even bother to try anyone else. Dating isn’t easy and takes up precious time that you could be preening or showing off to the guys down at the tavern. Settle and settle quickly. Because, let’s face it, you’re not getting any younger and with the average life expectancy being only around 40-something (if you bathe), you don’t have time to be picky. And obviously, she has nothing better to do besides cook and clean and bear children. Therefore, she won’t be picky either. Just go with it.

METHOD #69: BE A TIGER IN BED

You know how the church says all of the time that “anything besides missionary is blasphemous!” Well worry not! Do what you shouldn’t and go with different positions in bed! She’ll thank you for the opportunity at new things that she’s actually too shy to ask, even though she’s probably a sexual deviant. Honestly, that’s what will keep her coming back over and over again: she likes breaking the rules. And, let’s be real here, if she turns around and says that she doesn’t agree to that, just say that you heard her wrong and thought that that’s what she wanted. Then proceed to call her a harlot. She knows she is, just acknowledge it.

Back Jacket

Are you struggling to find true love? In the most medieval of times, it can seem hard to find the woman that you’re really searching for. Women are too picky, too naive, and too stupid to understand how dating works, so ultimately, everything is actually up to you. That’s why this book is a thing.

I want to show you that you do have a chance. You have the power to find a great lady and to solidify that she will not have to be alone or go to a convent for the rest of her life. Save her. She’ll thank you for it.