Realizing that some things haven’t changed, and
that they don’t need to
by Verity Ahlin
by Verity Ahlin
Love.
It seems to be the answer to everything, but how often do we step back and ask
why? How long have people, specifically women, been caught up in romance, love,
and the pursuit of what most believe to be ‘happiness’, whether that be sex,
love, or marriage? Despite the time period, there are certain things that are
ingrained in human nature. Therefore, it would be wise for modern women to look
back and learn from the past. Every day kids are taught that it is important to
learn about history so that it is not repeated. But has anyone studied love?
Has anyone learned from love’s history? It doesn’t seem like it to me. Reading
medieval women’s love trials and tribulations, it all sounds a little too close
to home, a little too familiar.
Here
is my argument: I do not believe that women need to change. I do
however believe in taking control. Learning from past love stories gives women
the ability to take control of their own destiny. If it turns out that these
experiences with love are unavoidable at least we know what’s coming!
Maybe it is fate to repeat
these mistakes; maybe these are the lessons we need to learn for ourselves in
order to actually find love. But I’m going to analyze some important medieval
women anyway, just in case anyone needs a history lesson.
Heloise – Ah, to be young and in love. But what happens
when the love of your life is an older man? He tends to have the control and
the power in the relationship. Heloise fell into this category. She is
infatuated with her tutor Abelard, so they had an affair and she became
pregnant. What a scandal! But the ordeal does not stop there. Heloise’s uncle,
Fulbert, castrated Abelard for the dishonor he had caused his family. In a
series of correspondence between Heloise and Abelard the transformation of
their relationship after this occurrence is brought to light. Abelard fled and
became a monk, convincing Heloise to become a nun. Heloise, still infatuated
with the man, did everything he said. But she soon realized that
he had become something she was not accustomed to. The way Heloise describes
their former relationship gives the impression that he did love her, but now he
seems indifferent, unmoved by her entreaties for them to be together.
A quick synopsis of their
letters:
She begs him to love her, like he used to, write to her, something.
“Now answer me one question if you can: why, after our entrance
into religious life which you alone decided, you alone – why I fallen into such
neglect and oblivion with you that I am neither restored to life with a word
when we are together nor comforted with a letter when we are apart”.[1]
He treats her with indifference, tells her to look to God and not
him.
“If I have written you no consolation or encouragement in the time
since we turned our lives toward God, it was not because of negligence on my
part but because of your own wisdom, in which I have always had implicit trust.
I did not believe you needed these things from me when the grace of God has
given you all you need to instruct the wayward, console the weak, and hearten
the lukewarm through word and example”.[2]
She tries again.
“I also found it not a little strange that where you owed some
comfort you have only brought more sorrow, and when you should have dried our
tears you have made them flow the faster”.[3]
Again, he denies her affection.
“My purpose is not to make excuses for myself but rather to
instruct you and to urge you, first, to accede to my requests when you
understand that they are grounded in reason; then, to hear me out when I speak
of your requests, once you see I am not blameworthy in my own; and last, to be
somewhat more reluctant to condemn we when you realize I do not deserve your
reproach”.[4]
She gives up, and only ever writes of church business afterwards.
“I therefore will restrain my hand from writing what I cannot keep
my tongue from saying aloud. If only the heart that grieves were as ready to
obey as the hand that writes.”[5]
Eventually Heloise learned that no matter what she said or did
Abelard was not going to change his new feelings for her, but this situation of
repeatedly reaching out with an unwelcome response reminds me of a modern
equivalent.
He’s Just Not That In To You is a
popular book and movie that, through comedy, addresses the issue that if he
does not reach out to you, he is not interested in you. For those who have not
seen the movie it presents multiple sub plot lines of different women
misreading signs presumably given by men that they are interested or not
interested in pursuing a relationship.
Gigi – Gigi goes on many first
dates, but seemingly no second dates and she does not understand why. She gives
many justifications to why these men do not call her afterwards, such as “Maybe
he lost my phone number”. Until she meets Alex who just tells her upfront that
these men are not calling her back because they don’t like her. Gigi then
develops feelings for Alex, which he too denies. They are together by the end of
the movie, but once he decided (of course).
Janine – Janine thinks she has a
great marriage until it turns out Ben has cheated on her. She blames herself
for a while but eventually comes to her senses, and divorces him.
Anna – ‘The other woman’ whom Ben has
an affair with. Anna also has a best friend named Connor who is in love with
her, but she strings him along for the attention without ever reciprocating his
feelings.
Beth – Beth has been dating her
boyfriend Neil for seven years and is distraught that he says he never wants to
get married. She leaves him because she fears he is not truly committed to her.
They compromise and get back together at the end of the movie. Surprise
surprise, he decides they can get married.
Mary – Mary is a best friend of Anna,
and searches online for a boyfriend to no avail. Eventually Mary realizes that
men online have too many opportunities to hide their true selves. Mary ends up
with Connor (they’re my favorite couple).
Again, men are given the power and with it they are able to
determine whether or not they are ‘in to you’. Where is the women's' power
in this scenario? Among all the individual plots played out in this movie,
none of them have the woman deciding if she likes the man. The
only one close to this is Scarlett Johansson’s character, Anna, who has a close
friend in love with her. However, she does not reciprocate his feelings.
Instead of her looking strong and independent she is manipulative to this
friend. Anna keeps Connor around because she enjoys the attention, while
simultaneously being involved with Ben, a married man. Therefore the only woman
with power in this movie is a manipulator and a home-wrecker. And yet, did
anyone watching this movie notice this? I know I didn’t when I watched it. I
actually really enjoy this movie; it’s funny and wait for it … relatable. Its
ability to be relatable has seemingly hidden these repeated misconceptions and
stereotypes from us.
Let us now step back and look at these two stories side by side.
Obviously there are major differences given the time periods, but the core of
each is a woman waiting around for a man to give her attention and confirm that
he is interested. Women can be strong and independent enough to know they are
worthy, without a man confirming it for them.
Think about it, if Heloise had the
opportunity to watch He’s Just Not That In To You wouldn’t she be able to
relate? She knew exactly what it was like for a man to not contact her, for a
man to be left holding all of the power.
Now back to my argument. I am not criticizing this movie for being
anti-feminist. It is a movie that presents scenarios in which woman today can
still relate. So if women can still relate to any extent, nothing has changed.
But do things need to change? No. We don’t need to realize
that men aren’t just that into us. We need to realize that men can do certain
things that equate to certain emotional reactions. And that this has happened
enough times that a stereotype has been made and perpetuated.
Instead of becoming distraught over men not calling her and then
waiting for a man to tell her it’s because they don’t like her, Gigi could have
read Heloise’s story and known that it was time for her to take control. Taking
control of the scenario is the real solution, not realizing that you are doing
something wrong, because you’re not.
Wife of Bath – Finally, a strong female character. Many are
familiar with the Canterbury tales. It is a story, by Geoffrey Chaucer, of a
group of pilgrims traveling to the Cathedral at Canterbury, and on the way they
tell each other stories for a fun competition. The Wife of Bath’s prologue,
unlike the other traveler’s, is much longer than her tale. She begins, in her
prologue by stating that she is an authority on marriage, having had five
husbands herself. Her authority is drawn from her experience with sex and
marriage.
"Experience, though no written authority / Were in this
world, is good enough for me / To speak of the woe that is in marriage;”[6]
The Wife of Bath,
Alisoun, speaks of her marriages as well as her sex life openly in her
prologue. As you can probably assume, liberal sex was not an openly talked
about topic in medieval times. Alisoun however, does not seem ashamed of her
life choices. She found a means in which sex was appropriate, marriage. However
open she may be about the topic it was still controversial, so she also found a
means of validating her stance. She says that in the Bible virginity is left to
the perfect, and since she is not perfect, she sees nothing wrong with having
sex.
“Virginity is great perfection, /And continence also with
devotion, /But Christ, who is the source of perfection, / Did not command that
every one should go sell /All that he had, and give it to the poor, /And in
such wise follow him and his footsteps. /He spoke to those who would live
perfectly; /And gentlemen, by your leave, I am not that.”[7]
Sex was only appropriate
within a marriage and that stigma still exists to an extent today. Sex is still
talked about with hushed tones and side ways glances. ‘Did anyone hear me just
say that?’ ‘I hope no one knows about my sex life’. While sex is clearly a
little more out in the open, it’s all just assumed. No one talks about it.
The Wife of Bath is a strong woman who seems to be stereotypically
cast as manipulating and controlling. She herself states that the only ‘good’
marriages she had were the ones in which she could control her husband. But
this brings me back to my argument for control. Alisoun knew that she could
take control of her own life without caring what other people thought of her.
Strong independent women are too often portrayed as ‘bossy’ or ‘controlling’
especially when it comes to taking control of their sex life. We can’t change
the stigma around sex and we shouldn’t change ourselves to fit the stigma.
Instead modern women should learn from the Wife of Bath; that any situation can
be controlled in order to fit your personal values instead of changing your
values to fit the situation.
A
strong parallel can be drawn between the Wife of Bath and the characters on the
popular show, Sex and the City. Carrie Bradshaw, played by Sarah
Jessica Parker, is a columnist who writes about sex. Carrie, just like the Wife
of Bath, draws her authority on the topic from her experience. And just like
the Wife of Bath, the characters of Sex and the City are all
independent women who are in control of their love lives. They all take the
upper hand, and despite critics on and off the show, they never lose their
independence or change themselves for a man’s authority. An iconic line said
(twice) by Samantha, actress Kim Cattrall, which exemplifies this, is, “I love
you… but I love me more”. Throughout the series, and both movies, Samantha
sticks to this motto. No man is worth losing yourself over.
While some feminist critics might say that Sex and the
City is not evolutionary due to the emphasis on the need for men and a
love life, there is progress made in the independence of women. For a show
purely based on sex, love, and even marriage, all four women end up happy. And
they did so without having settled for anything less than what they wanted,
whatever that may be. If the Wife of Bath, and the characters from Sex
and the City, can teach us anything, it’s to fight for what you want in
life without the judgments or stereotypes from the outside world affecting your
decisions.
Marie de France – Next to nothing is known to us about Marie de
France’s personal life. She remains a mystery to us, but we can decipher clues
through her works as a poet. She was born in France and lived in England, writing,
in the late 12th century. She is famously known for writing
the Lais of Marie de France. From these lais we can figure out
a bit more about her. The stories glorify courtly love, which in medieval times
was your typical love at first sight, infatuation, and puppy love sort of
thing. All of her poems however have similar themes including: strong female
leads, a few controversial affairs, interesting female characters, who are not
damsels in distress or passive. So what then can this tell us about Marie? Just
like today, it is safe to assume that her writing was influenced by her real
life experiences. Perfect! We have found a strong female author with authority.
So have we learned from her? Who today is a female author who writes about her
love life? Hmmmmm… Taylor Swift maybe?
Taylor Swift is a very successful young female artist of our time
but she should probably be compared more in apposition to Marie. While I have
nothing against Taylor, she tends to fall into the ‘damsel’ category. Most of
her songs about heartache and boys seem to be about her personal life. While
catchy, her songs do not seem to be very empowering for female independence.
Here are a few excerpts from her greatest hits:
Teardrops on my guitar, “He's the reason for the teardrops on my
guitar, the only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star”.
The Story of Us, “I used to know my place was a spot next to you,
now I'm searching the room for an empty seat, 'cause lately I don't even know
what page you're on”.
I Knew You Were Trouble, “And he's long gone when he's next to me, and I
realize the blame is on me. 'Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in,
so shame on me now”.
Admittedly, now I really want to listen to some T-Swift, but
that’s not the point! No one can deny that she is a talented musician. What we
can deny is that she has learned anything from Marie de France! Or any great
love stories for that matter.
We have to realize that there is a reason her stuff sells! If
everyone were outraged that she was selling the innocent damsel card then no
one would buy her music. But girls and women alike enjoy her music, and a lot
of the lyrics are relatable. It’s not a bad thing that Taylor’s lyrics are
relatable. I don’t think we need to change anything about how we feel about
boys, love, and songs about boys and love. But I do think that we should take
control of those feelings. Some things are just human nature and once we
realize that, instead of saying ‘whatever happens, happens”, we can take
control of our love, sex, and married lives.
Conclusion –
I know most people wouldn’t want to say that women haven’t changed
at all. No one wants to hear that they behave the same way a woman 1000 years
ago behaved. What I’m arguing is that it’s not a bad thing that nothing’s changed.
What’s unsettling is that no one has realized that nothing has changed. The
only way to take control of a situation is to know all of the facts. So what
are the facts of love? Many women in history have tried to figure that out,
Heloise, Alisoun, and Marie included. Obviously everyone is different, but with
so many great documented love stories something has to be learned. What I take
away from the women that have gone before me is that the only way to be sure of
myself and my own love life is to take control of it. I’m not going to let men
or stereotypes have any of the control. Only you can dictate your happiness.
[1] Abelard, Peter, and Héloïse. The Letters and Other Writings. Edited by William Levitan
(Indianapolis: Hackett Pub., 2007), 59.
[6] Chaucer, Geoffrey, “The Wife of Bath’s Prologue,” in The Riverside Chaucer. Edited by Larry
Dean Benson. (Boston, MA: Houghton Mifflin, 1987), lines 1-3.
[7] Chaucer, Geoffrey. “The Wife of Bath’s Prologue,”
lines 105-112.
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