What Is It That Women Want?

Hello, beautiful readers of Fin - the best selling women's magazine of the year! I hope you have had a great week! I know I sure had an interesting one, as I was exploring the question 'What do women of our time want?' That is my topic this week. We know what the right and widely accepted path is for a woman to take - get married, preferably before the age of 15, have children, preferably mostly boys, and take good care of the household. But what do women expect or want in their lives and relationships with men? I decided to look at the lives of our celebrities to unravel this mystery.

I am going to start by looking at the couple whose story has never failed to make the headlines. Abelard and Heloise's relationship is by far the most widely discussed and gossiped about relationship of the century. I will recap their story in case there is anyone not entirely in the know, though that is highly unlikely. Ever since she was very young, Heloise always impressed with her intelligence and she was always provided with great teachers and a good education. Abelard, also very famous for his intelligence and knowledge, became her teacher and that is how they first met. Abelard was very impressed with her and he succeeded in seducing her. They started an affair that was widely considered to be quite inappropriate, for the most part because Abelard was living in her uncle’s house and having a relationship with her right under his nose. We can all see that that was a recipe for disaster, but people who are in love don’t seem to see these things very clearly. Not long after that Heloise got pregnant, and Abelard’s conscience decided to kick in and he resolved that they should secretly get married. Heloise’s uncle, of course, learned everything, since how can you ever keep such a secret. That is when the tragedy of Abelard’s life happened – the angered uncle and father decided to castrate Abelard, as they thought that would be a fitting punishment. After this incident Abelard had a complete change of heart, and decided that he and Eloise should take on the monastic life. Things were quiet around them for a little while, and people thought that it might be over between those two; however, a few private letters between the two ex-lovers got leaked into the public space and caused uproar! The content of Heloise’s letters was so scandalous that some people dismissed them as being fake, but there is no evidence to suggest they are not real. Her letters confess the love she still feels for Abelard and her devotion to him. Everything she has done after their relationship began has been for Abelard or because of Abelard’s wishes. Her love for Abelard and her adoration of him are so great that she considers herself to be completely a subject of him and of their love. What I found more intriguing in her letters, though, was the view she held on marriage. No one had suspected that she actually objected to Abelard’s idea to get married when she became pregnant. But that was the case, and Heloise did not want to give up/trade the life they had and the life they could have for marriage and all the responsibilities that come with it. I think the desire to have the intellectual life, the education and the love relationship without having the distractions of marriage and offspring is quite radical for our time, since the norm for the women of our age is still to have a marriage relationship in order to have good reputations. However, Heloise seems to have wanted to have only that which gave her satisfaction and joy, regardless of social expectations. 

Another very intriguing famous figure that I will look at is Beatriz de Dia. She is a very talented troubadour poet and her works give a breath of fresh air to troubadour poetry. Her poems have a quite different approach to love than most of troubadour poetry. Let’s consider the works of Bernart de Ventadorn, for instance. His love poetry is more concerned about what he is feeling in the pangs of love than anything that has to do with his lover. Lines such as: ‘I let myself gaze in her eye/ The mirror that pleased me so/ Mirror, now I’m mirrored in you’ give the impression that he is more in love with himself and his reflection in the eyes of the beloved than the beloved herself. Furthermore, for many troubadour poets love seems to exist only if the lovers are separated by distance, and so a lot of poems are about ladies who the poets have not even seen. The language of the poems is very vague and veiled too. So inexplicit are the descriptions of the beloved ladies in the poems that do contain such descriptions, that not one or two honorable ladies have gotten into arguments (and even physical fights) over who is being praised in a certain song. 

Beatriz de Dia, on the other hand, has a very direct way of expressing her feelings. She is a fearless woman and poet, and makes very explicit remarks about the very intimate moments they shared with her lover in Estat ai en greu cossirier. Love and the consummation of it is not absent in her song, and it ails her when her lover is away. For Beatriz love is something that you give to one person only, and along with love you grant that special someone your own self too -  ‘I grant him my heart, my amour/ My eyes, my mind, and my life.’ Beatriz’s attitude towards love seems similar to that of Heloise – once you love someone, they possess not only your love, but they possess your person too. However, whereas Heloise is strongly opposed to the idea of marriage, Beatriz actually wants to have both love and marriage and she wants the love relationship to exist within her marriage. That’s why she declares: ‘Know, great desire I nurture too/ To have you in my husband’s place.’ Beatriz seems to want it all – sex, love and marriage, but the twist is that she wants to have it all exist within only one relationship. 

Next, let’s consider the life of a very beloved and revered woman, whose merits are still praised even today – Queen Mathilda. She had a long and prosperous life, held in her hand great political power and her opinion was very influential to the King who was ruling, be that King Henry or King Otto. Mathilda was famous for her almsgiving and philanthropy. Although she was married and dedicated to fulfilling her duties as a wife, she was even more dedicated to Jesus and she saw him as her spiritual husband. Everyone knew that she would leave King Henry’s bed at night in order to pray for long hours until dawn. King Henry was also aware of this, of course, but he did not mention anything to his wife since he understood her devotion to God. The couple was also famous for leading a chaste life after their duty as rulers to have offspring had been fulfilled. What Queen Mathilda wanted was to lead a chaste life in service to Jesus; however, she was also aware of her duties as the wife of the King. Curiously enough, she was able to balance her life as a Queen and her life as a devotee to God quite well, and was widely admired for accomplishing that. 

Let’s also take a look at some of Marie de France’s lais and characters. The Lady in Lanval is a very interesting figure – she is the one who initiates the relationship between her and Lanval, and takes on the dominant role. She provides for him, no matter how lavishly he spends, and all she wants in return is for him to obey her wish to keep their love a secret. What the Lady in Lanval seems to want is a lover who will respect her wishes and who will be truthful to her and keep his promises. As we all know, however, Lanval actually fails to do as she has told him and reveals the secret of their love. That puts him in great suffering, as he is sure that the consequence of his inability to keep his promise to the Lady would be the definite loss of his beloved. She, most probably being under the influence of love, finds it in her heart to forgive Lanval and ends up saving his life. In the end they reunite and enjoy a happy life until the end of their days. Even though for the Lady in Lanval it’s very important that her lover obeys her wishes, she allows herself to break her own rules sometimes in the name of true love.

A lai that does not have such a happy ending (indeed, quite the contrary) is Equitan. In this lai the seneschal’s wife starts a love affair with Equitan. They enjoy some good years, their love flourishes and the couple is quite happy. However, King Equitan has social obligations that he needs to fulfill, and his people are getting anxious about the succession of the throne, since Equitan is still not married and does not have children. The seseschal’s wife turns out to be quite a jealous woman, who does not want to share Equitan’s attention and affections with any other woman, so she comes up with the tragic idea of having Equitan kill the seneschal and marry her once she’s left a widow. Of course, at this point karma kicks in and Equitan and the seneschal’s wife get a very tragic ending – they die in the hot tub of water that they had previously prepared for the seneschal. Marie de France seems to imply with this episode that although it is okay to want to have love in your life, even if it’s not with your own husband, plotting someone’s murder is most certainly wrong and you get a fitting punishment for such sinful thoughts. What can we conclude about the seneschal’s wife’s expectations of love? She wants a lover who is devoted only and entirely to her, and will not have it any other way. 

Since I mentioned the pressure that is put upon rulers to provide successors to the throne, I think it is fitting to also look at Queen Elizabeth’s life. She has had a number of petitions from her people, urging her to take a husband and give birth to children. Queen Elizabeth, however, considered that she already had a husband and that husband was England itself. Although she never said that she would not actually marry someone, her people were deeply concerned with the issue of her marriage. What the Queen wanted was to stay true to her country first and wanted any potential husband that she may marry to be right and beneficial for England. She never had the perfect suitor, however, so as time passed the probability of her getting married diminished considerably. She reached the age when she could not have children anymore, and since she did not have a proper candidate for her hand, her getting married was not so beneficial. That is when she started to employ the image of the Virgin Queen and that is what she is famous for. So what Queen Elizabeth wanted was not sex, not love and not marriage; instead, she saw her duty to England and its people as being the most important thing in her life, and everything she did was guided by her judgment of what would be best for the country. 

Let’s now look at a more controversial figure of our time – the Wife of Bath. She has just as many people admiring her and scorning her. Her supporters point out to the fact that she is a very learned woman and can win an argument with many examples and quotes from some of the biggest names in literature and theology. Many women admire her for taking on the role of teacher and not allowing herself to be subordinate to her husbands. On the other hand, a lot of people criticize her for her numerous marriages and her very sexually active life. In her own words, she likes the pleasures of sex very much and does not want to be left without a husband, so that she can enjoy those pleasures whenever she wants to. What the Wife of Bath wants is sex and marriage, so she can have sex that is allowed within that marriage. However, she also wants to have a certain control over her husbands and not be subject to their will.

The bestselling book of the century, Andreas Capellanus’ The Art of Courtly Love, has very interesting ideas and perspectives on love. One of those ideas, which resonated deeply with a lot of people, is that everyone had a right to have love in his/her life, since love was the source of all good deeds, and marriage was no excuse to not accept love. There is a very interesting case in the book, on which the Countess of Champagne pronounced her verdict. The question that she was asked was whether true love can exist between husband and wife. The Countess of Champagne judged that it was clear that love cannot exist within marriage. So in her opinion, if someone wants to have love, he/she should look outside of marriage to find it. In this view of love, marriage and love are two separate entities that cannot exist together, although sex is present in both.

Last but not least, I will turn my attention to Lady Laudine, the wife of our most beloved knight Iwein. The marriage between those two came as a shock to a lot of people because Iwein was the person who killed Laudine’s first husband in a fight. Laudine suffered greatly after her husband’s death, and everyone who witnessed her suffering (which she did not or could not hide) felt heartbroken as well. The death of the king also left her in great danger, since she had lost the person who could protect the land and the people. Iwein was able to convince her of his merits, however, and take advantage of the fact that she needed someone to protect her and her land. Shortly after the marriage, the newlyweds separated because Iwein wanted to take part in tournaments. He asked his wife if she was okay with the idea, and she let him go. She did have a condition for him, however, and made him promise that he will come back before a year had passed. Similar to the Lady of Lanval, she wanted Iwein to be true to her and keep his promise. But Iwein, of course, was not able to keep his word, as men so often do break their promises. Unlike the Lady in Lanval, Laudine was not so forgiving of Iwein, or of Laudete, who had initiated the couple’s relationship in the first place. The way the two ex-lovers got reunited again was not in Laudine’s control, but rather she was tricked into accepting Iwein again. Laudine was actually not guided by love in her marriage with Iwein, not the first time and not the second time. What she seems to have wanted and needed in her life was a strong male figure that would protect her and protect her land. 

After looking at the lives of so many of our famous figures who are role models for a great many women, what conclusion did I come to? What is it that medieval women want? That question turned out to be more difficult to answer than I had initially expected, since all women seem to want different things! Different celebrities want different combinations of the sex, love and marriage triangle, and some even go as far as to want things outside of that triangle. Who knew women could be so complicated?

I bid goodbye to you for now, dear readers of Fin magazine. Look forward to our next issue, as I will be exploring the question ‘What do men want from their beloved (in and out of bed)?’

About the author: Lady Selime Salim's high aristocratic birth has given her exclusive access to the thoughts and desires of modern lords and ladies. She is the author of the 1138 best-seller My Dinner with Heloise.