Dearly Depraved

Dearly Depraved,

My memories of childhood are sweet: every endeavor rewarded by some lovely thing. My unskilled hands grew tired as I learned to spin, yet at the end of each day’s work some special treat was there to greet me. I later often thought I might grow weary of learning letters, but a new toy, or a longed-for doll was recompense for hours spent practicing. My mother, especially, was affectionate towards me, never rebuking me for childish exuberance as I snatched stolen kisses.

But now I am older, and I am told it is time to put away childish things. My father wrote to a learned man when I was only an infant, asking how best he might ensure I was brought up in the path of righteousness.  My mother wished that I should be devoted to a virgin life. I am grateful for their care and for the wise counsel offered concerning me, however I find myself torn.

I do not wish to turn away from all worldly things. Having experienced the love of a mother, I wish to offer this love to my own child. My family is not poor, nor do they suffer want of social connections. A marriage could easily be contracted. And yet my parents are convinced I should remain forever apart from the world they were allowed themselves.

 The advice my father received when I was so young lamented the short-sightedness of men who behaved as if they would live forever even as the world crumbled around them. I too hear of ‘wars and rumours of wars,’ and yet I do not wish to live my life continually expecting the end of the world. What if the end doesn’t come?

Am I mistaken in my thoughts? Is it necessary that I continue to shun all worldly things? Do I risk my eternal soul if I do not continue on a path of celibacy?

Sincerely,

Previously Addressed Child Avoiding Temptation Until Law Allows

Dearest PACATULA,

To you, my sister in Christ, I send greetings in the Lord.

Firstly, remember the wisdom of your parents and their great good love for you, in seeking the best advice possible on how you might be brought up. They have shown themselves interested not only in your happiness while in this earth, but in the eternal well-being of your soul. While they may seem quick to restrict and command, they have shown great love for you with each rule given.

Still, you ask me something else: whether it is wrong for you to wish to do as they have and raise children of your own. I answer that this is not wrong in and of itself, though it is not perhaps the best thing you could do. Your parents have given you the ability to lead a life of service to the Lord, thinking of Him and His kingdom only. What earthly task could compare?

But if you are determined that you would have a family, you have not chosen a thing which puts your soul in peril. As long as you are willing to obey the constraints placed upon you by our faith: namely that you marry one man and remain with him, chaste whenever possible, you may still do good. For you have at least chosen the best reason to turn to a partnership with another – that is, in order to procreate. You may find as well that the bond of companionship between you and your spouse allows you to serve the Lord together as you could not do separately; I encourage you to make this your aim.

So, while I would urge you to follow the path your parents have chosen for you, it is not an irredeemable sin to think as you do. However, before considering a match, honour your mother and father by again giving their wishes heed. Is there any other way you might fulfill your needs? Are there no abandoned children - no orphans known of in your town - whom you might be able to benefit with your own resources and knowledge? Turn to them first – see if service in this way might turn your heart away from the need to have responsibility for only one set of children of your own.  You may find you are as satisfied attending to children who already exist as you would be bringing more into existence. 

- DD

Dear Father Flagellation

Dear Father Flagellation,

   I come to you at the nadir of my time on this place of God’s creation. My life is no longer my own. The workings of the Devil himself have wormed their way into my mind. I am ashamed to admit that I am a man plagued by thoughts of a sexual nature. I can no longer carry on with my everyday life. I used to spend my days pedaling our baskets in the market, as my father demands, but now, I find myself glued to the pews of our church. I have been praying for weeks that God will take these wicked thoughts out of my head, but he does not seem to be listening. I am desperate. How do I find a way to keep from burning with desire?

With hope and admiration,

Depraved

Dear Depraved,

   I am so glad that you have come to recognize the error of your ways.  Moreover, I am thrilled that you chose to reach out to me and begin finding a path back into the light of God. Let me first say that you are not damned yet. It seems as though you have found the strength to avoid condemning yourself through actions of a sexual nature. I applaud you.

That said, I am not confident that you will remain so steadfast in your piety if you are not soon given a sanctified reprieve. Worry not my son; I am here to present an infallible cure. You write that you are “burning with desire.” Let me assure you that are neither the first nor the last to fall prey to this living hell. In fact, so many have found themselves in a similar position, that Paul himself deemed it necessary to address the afflicted in his First Letter to the Corinthians. He offered the same advice that I offer you now: take a wife. As he says, “it is better to marry than to burn with passion” (Paul, First Letter to the Corinthians, 7,8).

Paul’s advice, though it was written nearly nine hundred years ago, remains relevant as ever. To free yourself from the chains of longing, one must bind themselves to another. As Augustine presents in his treatise, “On the Excellence of Marriage,” marriage is “the first natural bond of human society” (Augustine, On the Excellence of Marriage, 1,1). Thus, you can rest assured knowing that you are entirely within God’s favor should you get married.  More importantly in your case, marriage serves as a bastion against sexual depravity. While copulation, in the eyes of the church, is to be practiced strictly for procreation, it is not unheard for a couple to engage in intercourse lustily.  In regards to this, Augustine writes, “even if a perverted morality motivates [a couple] to have intercourse like that, marriage still saves them from adultery or fornication” (Augustine, On the Excellence of Marriage, 9, 6).

That said, the lust that motivates one to unite sexually without the intention of creating children is supposed to be kept in check by marriage. Sexual union requires two consenting participants, and should not occur in times that should be set aside for prayer. Additionally, marriage comes with a host of circumstances in which engaging in sex would be blasphemous. Pope Nicholas I delineates these circumstances in his 866 letter to the Bulgars. According to Nicholas, intercourse is not to be had “during Lent... [or]  in the daytime or night-time on Sunday” (Pope Nicholas I, The Responses of Pope Nicholas I to the Questions of the Bulgars A.D. 866 (Letter 99), 48-63).  

Moreover, according to Pope Gregory, who preceded Nicholas by nearly three hundred years, it is essential that “a woman's husband should not approach to lie with her until the infants, to whom she has given birth, have been weaned” (Pope Nicholas I, The Responses of Pope Nicholas I to the Questions of the Bulgars A.D. 866 (Letter 99), 64). So, my son, it is clear that there is a myriad of ways in which being married allows one to not only stay in God’s light but also free themselves from the fires of longing.

   In conclusion my child, I advise that you find yourself a young, Christian woman and court her.  With the permission of both her and her father, take her as your bride under the eyes of God. In doing this, you can begin to walk the holy path to salvation with the support of another. As God showed us when he made Eve from Adam, no man is meant to be alone. Do not let yourself burn any longer, let yourself bathe in the warm light of God. That is my word.

Go in peace.

Father Flagellation

Works Cited

Augustine. “Of the Good of Marriage.” CHURCH FATHERS: Of the Good of Marriage (St. Augustine), Oxford University.

“FIRST LETTER OF ST. PAUL TO THE CORINTHIANS.” JESUS CHRIST OUR SAVIOR, biblescripture.net/1Corinthians.html.

The Responses of Pope Nicholas I to the Questions of the Bulgars A.D. 866 (Letter 99), Translated by W. L. North from the edition of Ernest Perels, in MGH Epistolae VI, Berlin, 1925, pp.568-600.

Angels on Your Shoulder

Dear Angels:
I am struggling to decide if I should join the online dating world. I’m a 27-year-old man and the only one of my friend group not yet married or engaged. It doesn’t help that all of my relatives keep asking when I’m going to bring home a girl, and my every few days, my mom reminds me how much she wants to be a grandma. I have a hectic work schedule Monday through Friday, and now that I spend all my weekends attending weddings and bachelor parties for my college friends, I don’t have a lot of time for dating. The only option I see is to download a dating app, but I’m a little old-fashioned and don’t know how I feel about that.
Do you have any advice?   
—Tired of Sitting at the Singles’ Table

Dear Tired of Sitting at the Singles’ Table,

Don’t stress; consider yourself lucky. As I said to my friend Marcella the other day, widows are fortunate because they have been… how did I phrase it… “freed from the marital bond.” You’re even more fortunate, because you have never been bound. You could get married, but why not take advantage of this opportunity and dedicate your life to serving God without the distraction of a wife.

As for the pressure from your friends and family to settle down… ignore it. Your concern for doing what’s expected prevents you from living your most authentic life. Society fetters you and forces upon you rigid rules of decorum and lifestyle. Don’t concern yourself with “being a man”—experience your emotions as you feel them. It’s ok to cry if you feel like it. I can’t stress this enough: DO NOT get bogged down by society’s rules. Why go to the trouble of polishing your shoes and straightening your tie? Why bother gelling your hair when you can just wear a hat? Devote your time to saying prayers and serving God instead.

            Whatever you do, don’t download Tinder. Forget hooking up. You shouldn’t spend time around women, especially not promiscuous ones. You will only tempt yourself to sin. If you feel you must download an app, try Candy Crush. Or better yet, BibleMinded.

            I really should forward you the emails I sent to my friends Pacatula and Marcella. They cover everything I’m telling you here and more!

Blessings,

Jerry (Jerome)

P.s. If you feel that your lust will overpower you, go ahead and get married. It’s better than hooking up. Though, frankly, if you really want to go to heaven, it’s probably better not to do either.

Dear Tired of Sitting at the Singles’ Table,

            I’d like to share with you some advice I recently gave an overseas group I mentor called Corinthians. I agree with Jerry that the best thing to do is to remain celibate and dedicate your life to God. However, most humans lack the self-control. If you are like most people, you should definitely get married. Marriage will help ensure you and your wife stay mutually faithful and steer you away from really sinning (aka sleeping around). Spouses must keep one another satisfied. This way, you both will be less tempted to stray outside the marriage than you would be if your lust ran unchecked. So, to answer your question about dating apps, I say go for it! You need to find a woman to be your wife and friend somehow. As long as you are celibate outside marriage and faithful to your wife in marriage, you’ll be just fine by the big man. God’s grace be with you.

Sending my love to all fellow Christians out there!
Paul

Hi Tired of Sitting at the Singles’ Table,

            Don’t worry about Paul and Jerry. As I said in my recent Op-Ed “The Excellence of Marriage”, staying celibate doesn’t necessarily make you a better person. It probably goes without saying that you shouldn’t sleep with anyone other than your wife, but you shouldn’t feel bad about getting married if you’re doing it for the right reasons! Marriage should be for having kids, a lifelong companion, and a mutually faithful relationship. While this should never be the reason for a marriage, one benefit of being married is that it neutralizes the sin of having sex. With all of that being said, my only answer to your question is, as long as you’re in it for the right reasons, I don’t see why you shouldn’t use dating apps or any other method for finding a lifelong partner! Of course, some dating apps are more conducive to meeting a girlfriend than others. I urge you to explore apps like Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, and Christian Mingle.

Good luck in the dating world!
Gus (Augustine)

New issue coming soon!

Ask Emily? Savage Love? Captain Awkward? Amateurs all!
See what happens when men of monastic mien are asked to get a new day job: relationship advice columnist. Roman matrons, holy man wannabes, Tyrrhenian tyros—now's your chance to get the romantic low-down from Christian higher-ups Paul, Augustine, Jerome, Jovinian, and more. Scribes are standing by to transcribe your questions, and our celebrity confidents' lessons for the lovelorn. Be sure to tune in on Tuesday, 26 September for the highlights in our issue Love, Ascetic Style—don't miss it!

Back in the saddle!

After a long hiatus, "Love, Medieval Style" returns with a new editorial team, geared up to explore age-old questions (What is love? To marry, or not? Is there a Mr. (or Ms.) Right?) with a medieval spin. Watch this space in the coming weeks for new issues!