Angels on Your Shoulder

Dear Angels:
I am struggling to decide if I should join the online dating world. I’m a 27-year-old man and the only one of my friend group not yet married or engaged. It doesn’t help that all of my relatives keep asking when I’m going to bring home a girl, and my every few days, my mom reminds me how much she wants to be a grandma. I have a hectic work schedule Monday through Friday, and now that I spend all my weekends attending weddings and bachelor parties for my college friends, I don’t have a lot of time for dating. The only option I see is to download a dating app, but I’m a little old-fashioned and don’t know how I feel about that.
Do you have any advice?   
—Tired of Sitting at the Singles’ Table

Dear Tired of Sitting at the Singles’ Table,

Don’t stress; consider yourself lucky. As I said to my friend Marcella the other day, widows are fortunate because they have been… how did I phrase it… “freed from the marital bond.” You’re even more fortunate, because you have never been bound. You could get married, but why not take advantage of this opportunity and dedicate your life to serving God without the distraction of a wife.

As for the pressure from your friends and family to settle down… ignore it. Your concern for doing what’s expected prevents you from living your most authentic life. Society fetters you and forces upon you rigid rules of decorum and lifestyle. Don’t concern yourself with “being a man”—experience your emotions as you feel them. It’s ok to cry if you feel like it. I can’t stress this enough: DO NOT get bogged down by society’s rules. Why go to the trouble of polishing your shoes and straightening your tie? Why bother gelling your hair when you can just wear a hat? Devote your time to saying prayers and serving God instead.

            Whatever you do, don’t download Tinder. Forget hooking up. You shouldn’t spend time around women, especially not promiscuous ones. You will only tempt yourself to sin. If you feel you must download an app, try Candy Crush. Or better yet, BibleMinded.

            I really should forward you the emails I sent to my friends Pacatula and Marcella. They cover everything I’m telling you here and more!

Blessings,

Jerry (Jerome)

P.s. If you feel that your lust will overpower you, go ahead and get married. It’s better than hooking up. Though, frankly, if you really want to go to heaven, it’s probably better not to do either.

Dear Tired of Sitting at the Singles’ Table,

            I’d like to share with you some advice I recently gave an overseas group I mentor called Corinthians. I agree with Jerry that the best thing to do is to remain celibate and dedicate your life to God. However, most humans lack the self-control. If you are like most people, you should definitely get married. Marriage will help ensure you and your wife stay mutually faithful and steer you away from really sinning (aka sleeping around). Spouses must keep one another satisfied. This way, you both will be less tempted to stray outside the marriage than you would be if your lust ran unchecked. So, to answer your question about dating apps, I say go for it! You need to find a woman to be your wife and friend somehow. As long as you are celibate outside marriage and faithful to your wife in marriage, you’ll be just fine by the big man. God’s grace be with you.

Sending my love to all fellow Christians out there!
Paul

Hi Tired of Sitting at the Singles’ Table,

            Don’t worry about Paul and Jerry. As I said in my recent Op-Ed “The Excellence of Marriage”, staying celibate doesn’t necessarily make you a better person. It probably goes without saying that you shouldn’t sleep with anyone other than your wife, but you shouldn’t feel bad about getting married if you’re doing it for the right reasons! Marriage should be for having kids, a lifelong companion, and a mutually faithful relationship. While this should never be the reason for a marriage, one benefit of being married is that it neutralizes the sin of having sex. With all of that being said, my only answer to your question is, as long as you’re in it for the right reasons, I don’t see why you shouldn’t use dating apps or any other method for finding a lifelong partner! Of course, some dating apps are more conducive to meeting a girlfriend than others. I urge you to explore apps like Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, and Christian Mingle.

Good luck in the dating world!
Gus (Augustine)