14 February
It is that day of the year again, my absolute favorite one! The day when
all who are in love celebrate it; couples flock to the streets, the
restaurants, the coffee shops, the hotels, and the only place, it seems, where
you can escape from this charade is the solitude of your own home. If you have
something to attend to and dare to go outside, you cannot escape the numerous
couples holding hands, kissing in public places, as if they felt it necessary to
make everyone a witness of these inappropriate displays of affection. They think they are blessed because they are
in love, while all I can think is “What damned fools!” But let them enjoy the pleasures
of love while they can. They feel themselves in the Heavens, exalted by love;
they don’t think about the consequences of their actions and sins, but when
love falls apart, they will certainly feel the fires of Hell on their bodies.
When I dare give voice to my opinion on all of this, I get accused of
being an emotionless, bitter old man, who judges everyone so harshly because
he’s never had love in his life. That is what people say behind my back,
thinking that they know all about my life simply because I am celibate. They
don’t know how wrong they are, however! They don’t know how mad in love I once
was, and they don’t know anything about that damned woman, whose name I don’t
even want to put in writing.
Even to this day I remember vividly the first time I saw her. So struck
was I by her beauty, thinking she must be an angel, that my heart was not able
to keep a steady beat. The first time I actually gathered enough courage to
speak to her, I was astonished that I had been able to utter a word because my
body was shaking so uncontrollably and my mind was in such a feverish state.
When I believed that she shared my feelings, how overjoyed was I! How I thought
I must be in Paradise, because only that could have explained the pure
happiness that seemed to flow through me. How I was lost in the lust that would
come over me when I was with her; how I was completely and utterly lost in my
desire to be lost in her! I admired her even more when she would stop us from
committing the sins of the flesh, since I thought her soul must be so very pure
to enable her to control such strong desires. It was not purity that helped her
do that, however. She was a most vile creature who in reality did not share any
of my feelings, but kept me close just out of boredom, or because she enjoyed
the attention, or even worse, because it was in her custom. I saw her in bed
with only one man, and I don’t know if there were others, but even that was
enough to nearly destroy me. I was utterly shocked by her betrayal and felt
completely broken. For days I did not know where I was or who I was; the image
of her making love to another man would not leave my thoughts. As I felt myself
in agony, hate began to infest my heart and my mind. Oh the sinful thoughts
that crossed my mind then!
As hate had my mind in its grip, I was scared of what I might do in a
state of animalistic rage. The only way out I saw was to get as far away as
possible from that miserable place. Then I found the only salvation there was
for my soul; I found enlightenment in my belief in Him, who is the only one
worthy of our love, even though we may not be worthy of His. I dedicated my
life to God and to teach others about the only true love that can exist in this
world – the love of God.
Contrary to popular opinion, I do not advise against love and sex
because I have never felt those passions, but quite the opposite. I know how
consuming the power of lust can be. In that state of mind not only friends and
family cease to exist, but even God fades from our thoughts. I know also the
power of hatred, which love so very often leads to, and how hate brings us
further away from God even more so than lust. In the end, it is not me that has
never felt love in his life. Instead, maybe it is those that claim that devotion
to God can coexist with devotion to a lover, that have never loved as madly as
I.
Jerome
Jerome
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