PROCOPIUS’ BURN BOOK:

EMPRESS THEODORA: A Fraud and Freak and “the Common Bane of All Mankind”

She may have been Empress, but she was in no way worthy of the title. Instead of choosing a woman of modesty, high birth, and of pure status, Emperor Justinian chose an actress who came from immoral beginnings, including third-basing it with geese. Geese. Word on the street is that the trollop has had several abortions during her time “on the stage” and all were self-induced.

Her sexual infidelities and immorality are well-known and stomach-turning. Communing with geese, and dancing, and sodomy, all before the age of fifteen. She ensnared Justinian and made his flesh hers. Thus making the entire ruling force as clean as a foot with gangrene. After Justinian let his morals rot by forcing a law change to allow him marry his harlot (thank you, Senators, for your commitment to morality), he let Theodora overrun his mind and decisions. Already a flawed man, who was prone to “raging like a beast” when others dared to disagree with him, Theodora further enabled Justinian’s degradation. With his devil’s mistress ensconced at his side, he could only be trusted for two things: “inhumanity and avarice.” Her own mind was also “perpetually and firmly” fixed on inhumanity, so she enabled him to be the most duplicitous scumbag he could be.

This actress played her role as Empress with great pride, believing it to be her place to pass judgment on men of character far more reputable than hers. Emperor Justinian, who lest we forgot may or may not be demon-spawn, allowed her to tarnish the reputations and lives of those who got into her “bad books” just so long as he got to collect their property and wealth for his own coffers. Those unfortunates who angered her were doomed to at least three generations of ire, losing positions, power, and titles. Despite her foolish temper and egregious indulgences, she still believed she had the right to run the entirety of the Roman Empire! But perhaps this was a fitting marriage, as legend says one of Theodora’s previous (of the innumerable) lovers was also a demon. So really, it was a perfect match, made in hell.

          Theodora was an immoral, indulgent, and power-hungry harlot. She was an improper choice for Empress because of her former employment and actions as an actress. She possessed all seven of the deadly sins, with wrath and gluttony in great excess. Despite these obvious flaws which should have disqualified her for a barmaid position, let alone Empress, she was power-hungry, a most unladylike trait. Luckily, her husband was a corrupted and greedy man, so they were very happy in their squalor, but the Roman Empire suffered for the reign.

Final verdict: Partially responsible for the degradation of Rome. Do not trust.