Dear Theodora

Dear Theodora

DEAR THEODORA:  I am a deeply devout Catholic. At night, I sneak out of my husband’s bed to pray in the freezing cold bathroom. I wear hair-cloth shirts under my clothes and I flagellate myself to show penance to God. I am thinking about leaving my husband for God, but I am fearful of my husband’s reaction to this. Is there any way I can leave my life of privilege to fully lead a holy life? – R from Thuringia

DEAR R: I am not even sure where to begin. It seems to me you have not even begun to tap into your husband’s desires. If you want him to trust you, you must play your cards right. It sounds like you are into some pretty kinky stuff. The first step to gaining control over your husband in daily life is to gain control over him in the bedroom. As my good friend Antonina and I often discuss, the mystical power women possess can make a man fall to his knees. You should never be afraid to tell your husband what you want to do. Now, I really have no issue with extramarital affairs, but when it comes to leaving your husband for God… I am at a loss. Is just giving to the poor not good enough for you? Go find yourself the nearest Victoria’s Secret, buy yourself something with leather, and bring some of that S&M to the bedroom. Start from there and I’m sure your husband will let you get away with anything…Best of luck, Theodora.

DEAR THEODORA: A few years ago, my husband left my daughter and me. My love life never really seemed to be on track until I met this king who was in town doing business. Things moved rather quickly and everything was too good to be true. The king took me to bed and fell in love with me instantly (thanks to some of your previous advice.) This king is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Before, I had no power, no money, a wayfarer husband and a daughter to take care of on my own. This is where my trouble begins. I was noticing the other day when my daughter and I were getting ready for church that she has blossomed into a rather attractive young woman. She shares my features, and I worry that my king will take notice and leave me for her. I don’t want to sound paranoid, however, I can’t help but think that there must be something I can do… –D

DEAR D: All of your suspicions are completely realistic. If I was in your position, I would be worried too. It’s clear you have a problem that needs to be resolved and this can be done in two easy steps. First of all, you need to make your husband realize your value in the relationship. What are some ways that you can gain power? Perhaps start a community for virgins or build a monastery that you can consistently donate to. When you have done this, your husband will recognize your importance in his political power. Secondly, you’ve got to get rid of your daughter or mutilate her beauty. If your power and marriage are important to you, be sure to eliminate any threat. Even if that threat is your own daughter. What’s a little scar or dismemberment in the face of your established power and the security of your marriage? Don’t get soft with this; you’ve really got to take a stand. Remember, compelling your daughter into religious life has not stopped a king before. Commit to these two steps and you will be sure to prosper. Best, Theodora.