INT- SPORTS-BAR. LATE EVENING.
The place isn’t very packed. There are a few families and quiet couples eating at the tables. The BARTENDER wipes down the soda machines. A TV hangs over the bar, broadcasting a game that no one takes much interest in. The bar is completely deserted, save two people seated quite a distance from one another. The WOMAN scribbles on her small, white napkin while the MAN glances around the bar, people watching. The TV sports game switches to commercial, a trailer for the modern remake of “She’s All That”.
WOMAN
I can’t believe they’re going through all this again! I mean talk about the decline of Hollywood!
MAN
I know! They just go with whatever makes the most money at the box office. This movie can’t really even be called a rom-com! Its definition of love is the real comedy! I mean-
MAN, WOMAN (unison)
The movie feigns love based on the growth of character, but its entire plot is a reinforcement of society’s infatuation with physical aesthetics and reputation! Woah!
They look at one another, shocked.
MAN
That’s exactly-
WOMAN
-I mean, I suppose-
MAN
-It’s crazy because I’ve been trying to-
WOMAN
-It’s so difficult nowadays to-
MAN
-Wait, wait, wait. We’re getting ahead of ourselves. I’m Andres.
ANDRES moves next to the WOMAN and extends his hand and the WOMAN accepts.
WOMAN
Mary, it’s a pleasure. That’s so insane that we were in sync about “She’s All That”. I mean, I think it’s obvious, but people either ignore my opinion or just don’t get it. I keep trying to explain to my audience that love is all about virtue and the nobility of character, but it honestly falls on deaf ears.
ANDRES
Your audience?
MARY
Yah, I write children’s books.
ANDRES
Well, children-
MARY
-Don’t give me that. Kids are much smarter than we think, and it’s never too early to teach them about love. When you look at society today, there’s this focus on love as some external thing that you can’t control but controls you. You can basically get a pass on anything as long as you say the magic words “I’m in love”. I mean look at that movie. The entire time, the characters are just dragged around at the behest of this thing called love! They abandon their obligations, their sensibilities, everything for what is perceived as an external actor.
ANDRES
Granted, there is a time to be sensible, but love is something external that affects you. You can’t control it. To fall in love… well, you have to fall.
MARY
That’s very poetic, Andres, but with your line of reasoning, anything can be justified with love. Loosing all your money for love! Leaving your wife! Cheating on your husband for love!
ANDRES
Cheating isn’t all bad. Once you’re married, the love fades so-
MARY
Love fades in marriage? Really?
ANDRES
Yes, that’s my point exactly. Firstly, love is really reserved for things that you can’t have. It’s supposed to be exhilarating and new, not for something that you wake up with every morning and wash dishes with and that nonsense. Secondly, it’s a contract, an obligation. Love can’t thrive under forced conditions- it just turns into resentment. I don’t want to resent the person I love, hence, no ring on my finger.
MARY
Oh, I’m sure that’s it, and not that a woman would avoid you like sour milk.
ANDRES
If that were true, would I have literally thousands of men reading my op-eds on how to talk to women? My skill with love is responsible for the births of countless babies, sorry, your “audience”.
ANDRES pushes off his stool and heads back to his original spot at the bar.
MARY
Wait. You’re not … Oh my goodness you are. You’re responsible for that terrible advice column that runs in the paper- “The Art of Modern Love”.
ANDRES (turning back)
Of course you’d hate my articles. It fits in with your other bad tastes.
MARY
If not liking the objectification of women is in bad taste, then I’ll gladly accept that. Your articles make overly broad and insensible generalizations about classes of women, and that’s just the start of it.
ANDRES
Well, I’m sorry my characters aren’t deep enough for the author of a children’s series.
MARY
I mean, your men are greatly developed- they have the agency. As for the women, they’re robots with an imputed script. Never mind the fact that you only see class as a power imbalance and not gender itself.
ANDRES
If we had it your way, class power imbalance would just be accepted. Russian oligarchs would marry Russian oligarchs. Sweatshop workers would marry sweatshop workers. And no one could escape their marriage because of goddamn obligation!
MARY
Now that’s not what I was-
ANDRES
-Because in the end it’s not based on agency or on character. It’s based on whatever conformist society wants you to do.
MARY
Of course, I’m not-
ANDRES
-Maybe your stories don’t portray love as an external actor, but you know what’s driving you? Your desire to uphold tradition. You are-
MARY
-THAT’S NOT WHAT I WAS TRYING TO SAY, ANDRES!
The bar goes quiet.
MARY
That’s not what I was trying to say.
The BARTENDER moves towards MARY and ANDRES.
BARTENDER
If you ask me, you all are too obsessed with being the best. Your characters are always “the palest”, “the bravest”, “the most noble”. You’re in love with achievement, and now it’s started to affect your personal lives with “who can be the most trendy, moralistic author”. Well, let me tell you something. You’re tied for the prestigious achievement of most obnoxious, bothersome, people at the bar. That’s really something.
The BARTENDER gathers MARY and ANDRES’ glasses.
BARTENDER
I think you all are done for the day.
The BARTENDER leaves for the kitchen but turns to MARY at the last moment.
BARTENDER
Just wanted to say that I love your work, though I wish you’d explore the spectrum of relationships more. I’m so sick of this heteronormativity in our literature.
The BARTENDER goes exits to the kitchen.
MARY
Wow-
ANDRES, MARY (unison)
Everyone’s a critic.
FIN
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