Medieval Romance Advice Column

Monk Debunks: A Medieval Romance Advice Column

Dear Monk,

My daughter, Theodora, just got married. My wife and I were both thrilled, but Theodora … somewhat less so. As a child, she had made a vow of chastity and pledged herself to Jesus. Eventually, we got her to agree to get married. But still, she said sex was off the table. We fought about this for years. Eventually we got her to walk down the aisle and actually marry her fiancée. But even then, with her legal husband by her side, she held fast to her vow of celibacy. How do I get her to abandon her silly infatuation with Jesus and become a real wife to her husband?

    - Haughty Auti

Dear Haughty Auti,

This same thing happened to a friend of mine. And he was a king, of all things! His story is pretty similar, with one major difference: his daughter was an only child, and the only hope he had of continuing his dynasty was for her to marry and produce an heir. He found a nice man and married her off. Sensing her slight hesitation, he got a traveling evangelist to pray for her. This is where it all went wrong. Instead of opening her eyes to the benefits of marriage, this man started preaching to her and her new husband (right as they were about to consummate the marriage, mind you!) about how horrible and filthy sex is. He even said that having children would “lead to ruin” and cause them to start “trashing orphans”! Orphans! He actually convinced them that children either would go crazy or turn to the devil, and that the parents would be full of greed. When the king came back to check in with them the next morning, his daughter told him she was “deeply in love” with her “true husband", meaning Jesus. The bridegroom agreed that, by embracing celibacy, the two of them were free of the “disease” that is sexuality. They declared their marriage, which, again, was the king’s only hope of continuing his line, to be just a “temporary” one. Suffice to say, he was furious. But did his rage manage to convince his daughter or her new husband? No. In fact, it likely only strengthened their resolve, just as in the case of your daughter. The love that these women had for Jesus was not forbidden until you made it so. It was not a holy struggle until you made her struggle. Theodora didn't take her vow of celibacy simply because she didn't like the idea of sex. She felt a higher caller, a much greater purpose, as did the king’s daughter. These women’s marriages to Jesus had divine consequences. To them, your concerns are worldly and small. How could your anger possibly sway her when she is fighting for something much more powerful? 

Your opposition only justified her fight. By opposing God, you are making yourself look like a devil, pushing and prodding her to break her sacred vows and distance herself from heaven. Those vows, in her mind, are infinitely more sacred than the marriage vows you forced her to make. In her eyes, renouncing her virginity for her husband would be the real sin. I’m sure that you and the king meant well–all you wanted was to get a bit of religious inspiration for your daughters. That’s not a crime! But your reactions made the situation much worse. 

At first glance, your opposition to Theodora’s choice seems driven by worries about wealth and your family’s reputation. Maybe it’s true that her life of poverty will ultimately be a pretty bad look not only for your family, but for all nobility. But can you honestly say that you weren’t upset at having your position as the head of the household challenged? Theodora demonstrated her reverence to God above all. What you may see as a violation of your will, she sees as her destiny. After all, as the Bible teaches us there is one thing that people should place before themselves - God’s love.

I understand that Theodora’s love for Jesus isn’t the kind of religious devotion you’re used to, and feels like a rejection of how women are supposed to behave in marriage. But this isn’t some adulterous affair; as far as she’s concerned, the marriage you arranged for her is the sinful one. My advice would be to allow Theodora to love Jesus as she pleases. You can fight all you want; it won’t do anything but push her further into Jesus’ arms.

    - Monk

Works Cited

Hunter, David G. Marriage and Sexuality in Early Christianity. Baltimore, MD, Minneapolis Minnesota: Project Muse, Fortress Press, 2018. 

Talbot, Charles Hugh, and Christina von Markyate. The Life of Christina of Markyate: A Twelfth Century Recluse. Toronto: Univ. of Toronto Press in association with the Medieval Academy of America, 2005.