“Hi Mr...Yvain, how--”
“It’s Sir Yvain.”
“I’m so sorry...Sir Yvain, how are you? I’m Dr. Austin. Why don’t you tell me a bit about what brings you in today.”
“O, woe! My suffering is endless! I cannot refrain from weeping and sighing, and I oft feel as though I may swoon at any moment. Why am I cursed so?!”
“I see. And for how long have you been noticing these symptoms?”
“Good sir, I can nary remember a time when I did not feel like the wretch you see before you today. But mayhaps it began around three years ago …”
“Hmm. And can you tell me what was happening in your life three years ago?”
“Why, ‘twas three years ago that I first encountered the wondrous basin that led me to my fairest one, of course!”
“I see. And in the past three years have there been any dramatic changes to your lifestyle?”
“O learned physician, do not ask me to tell you my tale! I fear it will cause me such pain that I may swoon or go mad!”
“Sir Yvain, I understand you may be reliving some painful memories, but it’s absolutely crucial for your diagnosis and treatment that you answer my questions to the best of your ability.”
“You know not what you ask! But I shall try to grant your request since you seem to me of noble bearing and much learned. Very well. I took leave of my dearest one in order to travel with my companion Sir Gawain, the most noble of knights, in search of adventures. My lady bade me return within one year exactly of my departure. If I failed to return to her on said date her tender love for me would vanish forever! I left anyway, assuring her that I would return, suffering muchly as I left my own heart in her keeping. But lo, my adventures proved to be too distracting, for two years passed ere I remembered my promise. And thus my lady hath...rejected me forevermore!”
“Sir, sir, you’re welcome to cry but please stop beating your chest and scratching your face like that!”
“What?...Wh--? Oh. Good sir, I forgot myself. It often happens when I think too long upon my dearest one. Once I even found myself naked in the wood with no recollection of how I came to be there!”
“Hmmmmm, that’s concerning. We’ll need to discuss that further. Now, have you been feeling feverish lately?”
“Oh yes, all the time I feel as if I burn with fever. My cheeks smolder and my strength deserts me!”
“Alright. Now can you tell me--”
“My God, Man! Make haste and tell me what ails me! I have a prior engagement at noon and must be on my way very shortly indeed. If my good host’s castle falls to a foul demon knight, on your head be it! Out with it!”
“Oh ... Okay, yes of course. Sir Yvain, based on your symptoms and what I’ve heard so far I believe you may have one of the most severe cases of lovesickness I’ve ever seen. Your temperature and pulse were both slightly elevated. Now this nonspecific suffering you’ve described as ‘sighing and weeping’ and your strength waning, these are some classic indicators of depression. However, when a patient has undergone a broken love affair or is separated from their significant other, has flushed cheeks, and has a mild fever, this is what we call the Troubadour sign, which is a distinctive sign of lovesickness. (we call it that because we’ve found that being a troubadour puts you at up to a 30% higher risk of contracting the disease.) We’ve also had an interesting case study recently come out of the Kingdom of Georgia in which the patient displayed similar chest-beating and face-scratching. Finally, your rather extreme description of your suffering is a clear characteristic of lovesickness.
“Now, as for your prognosis. The good thing is that you almost certainly won’t die from this, no matter how much you think you’re going to. I say almost because the episode of lost time you described is deeply concerning. Partial loss of reason is typical in lovesickness (we call this Équitan’s behavior), but what you’ve described seems more like a total psychotic break. Your case is so severe I fear your symptoms may never fully go away unless you reunite with your wife. However, I’m going to write you a prescription for Klonopin to help you cope in the meantime. It’s absolutely crucial that you do not take this medication with alcohol. Can you tell me what pharmacy I should sen–--”
“ENOUGH! You have destroyed my hope forever! For the one thing you say will cure me is the one thing I can never again have! Keep your foolish potions, I take my leave of you, sir!”
“But sir, we need your insuran–--HOLY SHIT! IS THAT A LION IN MY WAITING ROOM?!”
Inspired and Informed By:
Chrétien de Troyes, The Knight With the Lion, trans. David Staines.
Various Troubadours, trans. A.S. Kline in From Dawn to Dawn: Troubadour Poetry.
Shota Rostaveli, The Knight in the Panther’s Skin, trans. Venera Urushadze.
No comments:
Post a Comment