Have you ever wondered why your bed is cold at night, awaiting the arrival of that special someone? Do you ever wake up thinking about that dark abyss in your life that can only be filled with the warmth of a significant other? Well, just as Ovid helped lonely young men procure some women back in Ancient Rome, his methods can still help you learn how to procure a woman in the modern college scene.
Love is an art. An art that our “tutor of Love,” Ovid, can teach us how to master. Ovid presents the idea that love is rational, it has rules, and it needs a manual (which is of course written by him). To attain love, one’s technique must be perfected, which is of course the purpose for his Ars Amatoria. If love was irrational, there would be no need for a manual, but Ovid knew, as we do now, that to find love, one must be consistent in their pursuits until they reach their goal. As Ovid describes the procedures necessary to be a lover (i.e. how to bed a woman) in Ancient Rome, his advice provides an uncanny resemblance to dating advice in modern times.
The first step in being a lover is finding someone to love. This was true in Ancient Rome and still is today, because what is love without the object of one’s affection? Ovid compares the task of finding a girl to the hunt of a predator. “The hunter knows well the best place to put his nets for deer” (45), and thus the hopeful lover must “figure out first which spot is thick with girls” (50). Just as Rome was filled with pretty girls, so too is a college campus, but one must find the best spot to make a move. The best women in Rome rushed to the crowded shows, like the circus, and likewise, the best and smartest women in college will be found in Math 55a. Ovid gives very clear instructions on this topic, detailing exactly how to find and catch the perfect woman:
Find a seat next to the girl of your choice.
Make sure she is in a crowded area so that you are obligated to sit so close that you are touching.
Make friendly banter.
Start with generalities.
Applaud for the horse she applauds for.
Applaud for Lady Venus.
Brush (non-existent) speck off her bosom.
Pick up her skirts to be a gentleman.
If one does this correctly then she may let you take a look at her calves as payment.
These seven steps are destined to ensure that you get the woman that you have your sight set on. But this is no longer Ovid’s time, so what are the steps necessary to pick up a woman in Math 55a?
Find a seat next to the girl of your choice.
If you would like physical contact, one could possibly scoot their chair a little closer to the object of your affection, or simply “manspread”.
Friendly banter
Agree to whatever she says
Just as you would applaud for the horse she applauds for, you want to make it seem like you have something in common.
Make it clear that you are “single and ready to mingle”
Be obvious that you are looking for love! You must ensure that your lady knows that you are on the market.
Perhaps add “single” to your insta bio, or open up tinder next to her
Be a gentleman
Open a door for her! Push out her chair! Make her feel special!
This is where the modern method diverges from Ovid’s bosom-brushing. That may be a bit too forward. People are less physical now, especially because of COVID, so that would not be received in the intended fashion.
Get her number
Once you get the number, you have achieved success, under the conditions that the number is in fact real, and not a fake number to scare you off (which would thus require further hunting).
Again, we differ from Ovid here because the ladies nowadays don’t wear long skirts, and would probably not welcome the sight of a man eyeing her calves. However, the result is the same: you have found a willing participant.
The last two, and ultimately more difficult, steps are catching said woman and making sure the love lasts a good long time, but this is a subject for a different day. The goal here is to find and woo a potential woman, utilizing methods from Ancient Rome in the modern college environment.
One of the main questions that this brings to light is: what is the purpose of being a lover? Does one do it for the chase, as Ovid proposed? Does one do it for the end goal of sex? Or is the modern-day ideal of love something more than just sensual pleasures? Have we begun to yearn for something more than just relief from our lusts, but instead begun to idealize companionship and finding a true partner?
Even though Tinder, a popular dating app, started as a “hookup app” that promoted short-term relationships that were mostly sexual in nature, now 80% of Tinder users report that they are looking for a long-term relationship. What has caused this change? Are people more lonely in the digital age? Well, yes. Over 79% of GenZ report feeling lonely. This may contribute to why people are more likely to look for long-term romantic partners, and less for a woman to bed.
In addition, people may look for long-term relationships from dating apps because we have idealized marrying for love, ingrained in us through countless mediums: Rom-coms, romance novels, and social media. This idealized version of love seems more and more desirable for a generation of lonely people, and thus we may be looking for true love in a partner, other than just hunting for an acceptable suitor, as Ovid did. Finally, people wish to marry for love and not for social status like in Ovid’s time. This has led to a vast increase in the desire for a true life-partner and not just a person to hookup with.
Although Ovid’s approach in Ancient Rome was similar to the modern day gent’s, it is important to note that he goes a step too far when he gives a how-to-rape manual during the section labeled “More Helpful Hints: Perjury, Tears and Rape”. This is where modern day ideology and Ancient Roman thought absolutely differ, largely because of the power dynamics between men and women at the time.
At the end of the day, however, Ovid’s Ars Amatoria gives a guideline on how to find, capture, and keep one’s object of affection. He describes love as hell, an adversary, and ultimately a chase. For these reasons, he creates a how-to manual on how to be a lover, which, in the modern day, may be seen as simply a guide on how to be a sexual predator, but that’s beside the point. Ovid’s perspectives on love in Ancient Rome are shockingly similar to how men find and flirt with a woman in modern times, and it goes to show the universality of love.
Works Cited:
Beilock, S. L. (2020, July 27). "Why Young Americans are Lonely." Scientific American. Retrieved September 20, 2021, from https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-young-americans-are-lonely/
Emery, L. R. (2015, November 6). "Tinder CEO Sean Rad says 80 percent of users are looking for a long-term relationship - not casual sex." Bustle. Retrieved September 20, 2021, from https://www.bustle.com/articles/121794-tinder-ceo-sean-rad-says-80-percent-of-users-are-looking-for-a-long-term-relationship
Ovid. Ars Amatoria. Trans. Julia Dyson Hejduk. Madison: The University of Wisconsin Press, 2014.
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